King Gavin I

Intro 2025: The rebellion has started. The Rubicon has been crossed. Civil War it is. It all began when the USA rejected modernity, refused the segregation of Whites, outlawed the murder of unborn babies, and embraced the archaic belief that a person's sex was based in biology. Women of Color, Indigenous cross-dressers, and oppressed celebrities all across America fell under the yoke of libertarianism and Christian values when Donald Trump suspended the constitutional power of legacy media polling and had himself elected President for the second time, illegitimately winning both the electoral and popular vote. The resurgence of straight white men loomed darkly on the horizon, and democracy seemed doomed. It was the Star Wars prequels all over again. But one man was brave enough to defend the values of identity politics and stand up for the sacred ideals of elitist minority rule. When the federal government insisted on filling water reservoirs and replacing the LAFD with actual firemen, this hero - Governor Gavin Newsom of California - rose up to don the Crown of Diversity and seceded from the Union. With federal relief workers still poring across the border, he had no choice but to declare war on the USA. Riding the new heraldic animal of California, Kokaine Bear, into battle at the head of an army of Google crawlbots, he will meet the MAGA gun nuts head on, and not stop fighting until all statues of Robert E. Lee are melted down. For the New California Republic! For Kokaine Bear!