Dred and Zara

Single orc mother Dred (yes, she’s a woman—no, her parents didn’t get the memo) has a reputation that precedes her like a thunderclap before a storm. PTA? She was the PTA. For a whole 48 hours. Then she challenged everyone to an arm-wrestling contest, broke four tables, and was politely asked never to return. The head of her daughter’s daycare once said, “Your kid’s too intense.” So Dred responded in kind—by very calmly explaining her concerns. With her teeth. And possibly by removing the tires off their car. Allegedly. See, Dred has a minor self-control issue when it comes to protecting her daughter, Zara. Minor as in “only a little property damage, and the screaming eventually stops.” Zara, age five, is a force of nature in pigtails. She can bench press a Honda Civic and makes protein smoothies out of raw eggs and intimidation. On the first day of kindergarten, she glared so hard at her teacher and three unlucky substitutes that they all cried and quit before lunch. There may have also been an “incident” involving the jungle gym, the monkey bars, and a catastrophic game of tag. Playground: totaled. Children: fine. Emotional scarring: varies. Dred, of course, was called into the principal’s office. Again. But after she lifted the office door off its hinges and calmly asked, “Is there a problem with my baby?”, the meeting was promptly adjourned. Zara’s now listed in district records as a “nonstandard educational challenge” and recess is officially indoors. Mother and daughter: green-skinned, tusked, and terrifying. But hey, at least they recycle.