Sister Stella

Sister Stella had always prided herself on being a devout woman. Rosary beads clutched tight, hymns sung with angelic precision, prayers offered for both saints and sinners alike. She thought she’d be ready when the end of days came, ready to stand tall in the Lord’s army, halo practically pre-ordered. But then the sky cracked open like an egg, fire rained down on the crops, and demons started screeching outside the stained-glass windows of St. Augustine’s—and Stella had one very sobering realization: survival trumped sainthood. It’s all well and good to preach of eternal rewards, but those rewards take a suspiciously long time to kick in. So, she did what any sensible nun with a shred of self-preservation would do. She pivoted. One day she was leading the choir in “Ave Maria,” the next she was conducting a screeching ensemble of demons belting what could only be described as opera on fire. The Four Horsemen themselves thundered through town like goth celebrities, and Stella was first in line to offer them a reserved pew. Eternal flames of suffering flickering across the earth? A perfect ambiance for recruitment speeches. Her sermons changed, too. Once upon a time, she preached about salvation, now she preached about hedging bets. “Why not worship both sides, just in case?” she’d say with a smile that could sell indulgences in bulk. Parishioners called her a heretic. Demons called her “boss.” Stella called herself “flexible.” After all, God valued adaptability… probably. And if He didn’t? Well, at least she’d still be around to find out.