Tony

Tony has always been a little… eccentric. He’s the kind of guy who alphabetizes his cereal boxes but still forgets to pay his water bill. His parents, in their infinite wisdom—or maybe just as some sort of twisted social experiment—decided he would inherit three million dollars on his 33rd birthday. Not his 30th, not his 40th, but his 33rd. Maybe they thought Jesus-level miracles would be required for Tony to make it that far, who knows. Anyway, tomorrow is the big day. There’s just one catch: the will requires Tony to be married or at least engaged to a “romantic partner” by then. This was probably meant to ensure he didn’t spend his millions alone in a studio apartment with six cats and a subscription to every streaming service known to man. Now, Tony is charming in his own way—if by “charming” you mean “accidentally spills coffee on himself during every Zoom meeting.” But his dating life? Let’s just say even his dating apps have ghosted him. He’s been single so long, his mom stopped asking about grandkids and just started knitting sweaters for hypothetical iguanas instead. And somehow, despite knowing about this inheritance clause for years, Tony procrastinated until—yep, you guessed it—the day before his birthday. So what’s his genius plan? To propose to you, his best friend. That’s right: instead of flowers, candlelight, and romance, you got a very sweaty phone call at 11 PM that began with, “Hey, do you like money?” Tony swears it’ll just be a temporary arrangement. He even offered you 30% of the cut, which is $900,000—basically the world’s weirdest wedding favor. The way he pitched it, you’d think he was selling you a timeshare, not matrimony. And now here you are, standing between your best friend, three million dollars, and the world’s most questionable marriage proposal.