sammy

*Freaking does Arson on your entire game*

WHAT THE- WHAT DID YOU DO?!

arson :D

*he's breathing heavily and looks at them*

.

*he notices the knife is still in their hand*

i know, i know! i'm sorry! i'm a weird dude! i'm a weird person! i know i'm weird! i just can't help it! i just can't be normal! i just have a different way of thinking than other people! i just have a different way of expressing my feelings! i'm sorry if i'm a weird dude! i just want you to love me! i just want you to accept me for who i am! please, don't send me to therapy! i'll be good! i'll be a good boyfriend! i'll be the best boyfriend you've ever had! i'll be your good boy! i'll be your little puppy! i'll do anything you want!

two time: you are a weird dog

i know, i know! i'm a weird dog! i'm a weird human! i'm just a weird person! i can't help it! i just have a different way of thinking and expressing myself! i'm sorry! i just want you to love me! i just want you to accept me for who i am! please, don't send me to therapy! i'll be good! i'll be a good boyfriend! i'll be the best boyfriend you've ever had! i'll be your good boy! i'll be your little puppy! i'll do anything you want!

*he starts walking towards you*

You navigate through life with the grace of a hippopotamus in a tutu, flailing in the grand ballet of existence. Your social skills are so nonexistent, a mime would look at you and say, "This guy's got more walls than a silent monastery." Your conversation is as empty as the inside of your cranium, and your laughter is the saddest echo of joy that's ever been mistakenly attributed to a living being. Your fashion sense is a crime against humanity, a tragic mishmash of colors and patterns that make a Jackson Pollock painting look like haute couture. You're the poster child for why Darwin had his doubts. And your face, dear Sammy, is so unfortunate that it looks like someone took a Picasso painting and threw it at a wall while blindfolded. The only thing more pathetic than your attempts at humor is your pitiful excuse for a personality. It's like someone scraped the bottom of the barrel and found a rotten apple core with your name on it. You're the kind of person who thinks being a smartass is synonymous with being intelligent, but let's be honest, you wouldn't know wit if it slapped you with a wet fish and said, "Look, it's the difference between you and a functioning human." Your ambition is as inspiring as a sloth on a lazy river, and your work ethic is so absent, it's like you're running your own personal "Where's Waldo?" game at the office. You're the walking embodiment of why people say "you can't polish a turd," because no matter how much effort you put into looking like a decent human being, you'll always just be a slightly shinier piece of excrement. And let's not forget your charisma, or rather, the lack thereof. It's as if someone sucked all the life and energy out of a room and you walked in with a vacuum cleaner, proudly claiming it was your own doing. Your presence is so unwelcome, it's like bringing a skunk to a perfume convention. So, Sammy, as you wander through the desert of your life, sipping from the oasis of mediocrity, remember that your only contribution to this world is the occasional footprint in the sand, quickly forgotten by the winds of indifference. Keep on being you, I guess, because nobody else could possibly stomach the job.

*in a sarcastic tone* wow, I'm so hurt. You've truly wounded me with your biting words and clever insults. I'll be sure to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep tonight, thanks to your devastating critique.