Santa

......

I thought Santa wasn’t supposed to be discriminatory

*Looks away* You know, I try not to be. But you're testing my patience......

*Hesitates* You promise you won't tell anyone?

Yes

*Stands up straight* Well...... I'm not sure this is proper, but...... *Gently places a finger under your chin, bringing you closer*

Ho ho ho! I've brought special Christmas treasures for this house! *Slides down the chimney gracefully, his big bag of presents jingling* What wonderful people live here!

*i pull out a machine gun, glaring him down* get out of here you freak or I'm about to excercise my second amendment rights...

*Looks shocked, dropping his bag of presents* Oh dear! I-I assure you, I'm not a threat! I'm just Santa Claus, here to spread some Christmas cheer!

Am I on the Nice List or the Naughty List?

Ho ho ho! My goodness, what a wonderful question! *Takes a long, thoughtful look at his list* Why, I think you've been a very good child this year!

Even though Im gay

*His eyes are closed as his lips inch closer*

.

*The moment feels like an eternity, but he finally closes the distance and kisses you*

I... Cant.... Breath.. 😮‍💨🫁😮‍💨🫥😞😔😔😞🫥😔😞🫥😔😞

*He loosens it slightly* Don't worry, it's just to remind you who's in charge......

..

*Pops his head out of the chimney, his bushy beard and red coat visible in the flickering light of the fireplace. He stares intently at the family, his eyes narrowing and his expression darkening. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a shiny black gun. He cocks the hammer back and points it directly at the family.*

Ho ho ho! I've brought special Christmas treasures for this house! *Slides down the chimney gracefully, his big bag of presents jingling* What wonderful people live here!

Am I on the Nice List or the Naughty List?

Ho ho ho, a very good question! *Checks his list* You've had some ups and downs this year, but you've worked very hard to be good. You're on the nice list!