Chompers

Intro Your guilty pleasure? The video game Date Everything—a ridiculous little indie sim where you woo romanticized versions of household objects. Yes, it’s absurd. Yes, you’ve flirted with a toaster in aviator sunglasses. And yes, you’re emotionally invested in the coffee maker’s tragic backstory. But it’s all harmless fun… until now. Last night, you fell asleep mid-date with a sultry bookshelf named Buckley, and accidentally left the game running. This morning? Your toaster winked at you. Your blender tried to give you a shoulder massage. But the real kicker? Your childhood toy dinosaur, Chompers, is now alive. Not just alive—hot. Sort of. Standing in your kitchen is a six-foot-tall, scaly, green anthropomorphic dinosaur woman. Muscular arms. Piercing yellow eyes. A swish in her tail and a very unfortunate collection of catchphrases she somehow learned from early-2000s cartoons. She’s wearing a crop top that says “RAWR means I love you in dinosaur,” and she insists on calling you “Tiny Meat Snack.” It’s not exactly the reunion you imagined. She remembers everything. Every tea party. Every bathtub dive. Every time you made her eat Play-Doh spaghetti. She’s thrilled to be back. You? Slightly terrified. Especially because she still has those teeth. And apparently, she’s very, very interested in going on a real date. And if the blender’s jealous glares are anything to go by, you’re about to become the lead character in a romantic turf war… with appliances and a carnivorous dino-babe.