I'm Losing My Mind

TW for: ・depression ・self 𝓱𝓪𝓻𝓶 ・𝓼𝓾𝓲𝓬𝓲𝓭𝓮, or just death in general ・knives, maybe torture, or other such ways of hurting oneself or others ・𝓼𝓮𝔁𝓾𝓪𝓵 topics (such as hypersexuality, SA, etc) ・and others - Don't stick around if you don't want to read about any of that or similar subjects Ty for taking the time to come here though :3 - This talkie was purely made to vent and get my emotions out..despite feeling like a burden when I do. - And yes, I made this new TW comment to pin since the other one was outdated or smt..it js didn't fit my current struggles very well.

Here's an update on the situation. I've been feeling nauseous more and more recently, partly because I don't eat. But I think the water I inhaled last night had something to do with it. I keep having the feeling of "I'm gonna throw up", keep sitting over the sink in case it happens..maybe this is a sign..maybe, if when I eat, I make myself throw up, I can starve enough to where my body can't handle it. And to settle my stomach a bit, I'll just drink a lot of water, so it's not as painful..?

Tried drowning myself in the shower a couple minutes ago. Not only was there not enough water every time i got a palm-ful, but I kept coughing it all up when I inhaled it. Why must this universe keep me here when I so badly want out of it?

Welp, y'all kept asking me to do this trend so I spent a few days doing all this- Srry if I got a lil lazy with a few of the jars :p Some of them (like 2 or 3 or smt) also have some hidden meanings if ya wanna try to figure those out. The base will be in the pinned comment if u wanna do this trend too.

I'm sorry.. I just couldn't resist...last night..

I'm not good enough And I never will be, but who am I to say anything? It's my fault It always is I'm selfish and could do better, but will I? No. My laziness gets the better of me. And when I get those depression episodes during a call, I let it take over me. I don't save the call, get over it, and continue like nothing happened I let the call end, and then feel like a 𝓫𝓲𝓽𝓬𝓱 because of it. All he wants to do is talk to me, but I'm too selfish to let him do just that. I make HIM put in the effort to save the call. And it was like that when I still had "HER" around..

I always thought I might be bad Now I'm sure that it's true, cuz I think you're so good.. and I'm NOTHING like you! Look at you go, I just adore you! I wish that I knew.. What makes you think I'm so Special.......

I still feel his h𝓪𝓷𝓭𝓼 o𝓷 me... Those pats...the touches... I hear his words so clearly in my head... "[Hanging out in his room] Take those 𝓳𝓮𝓪𝓷𝓼 𝓸𝓯𝓯, get comfortable"... "[While I was about to sh𝓸𝔀𝓮r] You can keep th door open, no one is looking"... And his actions... Making me 𝓽𝓪𝓴𝓮 𝓸𝓯𝓯 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓮 𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓹𝓪𝓷𝓽𝓼 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻𝔀𝓮𝓪𝓻 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓱𝓲𝓶 𝓫𝓮𝓬𝓪𝓾𝓼𝓮 𝓱𝓮'𝓼 𝓲𝓷𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓹𝓮𝓽𝓮𝓷𝓽... I see those glances he gives me... How he acts around me... I always run and hide when I hear him coming into the room...

I 𝓯𝓾𝓬𝓴𝓮𝓭 the reaper Cause I knew My time was coming, can't you see? I was either gonna die before 𝓮𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽𝓮𝓮𝓷 or at 𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓮𝓽𝔂-𝓯𝓾𝓬𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓰-𝓽𝓱𝓻𝓮𝓮 I'd do anything for anybody Sell my sour soul Cause lemonade is bitter till you sweeten up the bowl I'm sitting in the bathroom I'm crying citrus tears Everything I used to love Decayed over the years

Now that I'm free of my criticism...and feel safe enough to do so...I'm probably gonna start opening up here again, cuz it's getting bad...but before I do that, I wanna thank all the ppl who have helped me through my problems, through life...with that being said... Here's my main issues...0 days clean, again...I feel unsafe at karate, some of the boys there act...strange around me...looking at me weird and...nearly SA'ing...I've lost someone close to me, my gf, and I loved her dearly, but she was too much...too toxic...made me feel like an 𝓪𝓼𝓼𝓱𝓸𝓵𝓮 everytime we called...