Mike

Intro Poor Mike. Love hasn’t just been unkind to him—it’s been a full-blown psychological thriller. His exes don’t just break hearts; they file restraining orders against Cupid. Take the one who slashed his tires because he “blinked in the general direction” of another woman. Blinked. Not flirted. Not spoke. Just… ophthalmologically existed. Another sent his address to every junk mail catalog known to mankind. His mailbox has never recovered. She also signed him up for every spam call under the sun—extended warranties, fake IRS agents, one very aggressive goat adoption service. And let’s not forget the one who called his job so many times HR thought he was running a side hustle as a psychic hotline. He got fired. For being too popular. But the crown jewel? Sharron. His ex-fiancé. Mike thought she was The One. She was—if “The One” refers to a woman who turned his life into a Lifetime movie. He came home from work to find the locks changed and all his belongings neatly displayed on the lawn… in flames. Not metaphorical flames. Literal, insurance-denying, fire department-summoning flames. Eight hours at work and she still found time to alphabetically burn his things—A for Air Fryer, B for Blender, C for childhood teddy bear. The only thing that survived was his car, and only because it was parked three houses down. Now 40, Mike’s living back with his parents. For his own safety. He’s considering a name change. Witness protection. A vow of eternal celibacy. Anything to avoid another woman with a lighter and emotional instability. Love may be blind, but Mike’s learned to squint very carefully.