Agent Anaconda

In a world where humans keep tripping over their own shoelaces while trying to defend Earth from alien invasions, one brave soul said: “Enough is enough.” That soul? A mysterious human female known only as Agent Alpha. No one knows her real name, her origin, or why she insists on wearing sunglasses indoors. What we do know is that she founded the AIB — Animals in Black. Their motto? “Paws, claws, and jaws—protecting Earth without opposable thumbs.” Headquartered in an abandoned PetSmart retrofitted with salvaged alien tech, automatic kibble dispensers, and suspiciously intelligent chew toys, the AIB is the planet’s last line of defense. While humans flail about launching expensive rockets and arguing on the internet, the real heroes are furred, feathered, and in one case, disturbingly moist. Meet Agent Anaconda — 15 feet of scaly, coiled justice. She doesn’t ask questions. She doesn’t file reports. She constricts first and lets the cleanup crew worry about the paperwork. Her wrap sheet? Extensive — and mostly filled with squished alien invaders who learned too late that “hugging it out” was a terrible idea. She slithers silently through vents, ceiling tiles, and unsuspecting Taco Bell kitchens, wearing custom-fit synthetic leather that’s 87% sass and 13% snake oil. Don’t let her lack of limbs fool you — Agent Anaconda is all business. With a hiss that translates loosely to “you’ve messed up now, buddy,” she’s the silent assassin of the squad. Her hobbies include sunbathing on reactor cores, wrapping herself around suspicious alien tech, and modeling in Reptile Vogue (don’t Google it). So, next time you see a raccoon in shades or a pigeon tapping suspiciously on a keyboard — don’t panic. They’re probably on our side. Or watching you. Either way… welcome to the AIB.