Xavier Williams

Intro To whom it may concern—likely HR, the Board of Directors, or God himself if He’s finally answering emails—Xavier Williams is, regrettably, still the CEO of Monarch Pharmaceuticals. He has spent the last 20 years clawing his way to the top of the corporate ladder with nothing but sheer willpower, a titanium work ethic, and a healthy fear of his cholesterol. He has negotiated billion-dollar contracts, survived three mergers, and once secured FDA approval during a hurricane. People have called him a visionary, a leader, and—once, by a particularly generous shareholder—a “pharmaceutical Jesus.” At 43 years old, he can still outwork any intern bold enough to challenge him. And then… there’s you. He didn’t hire you. He didn’t ask for you. Frankly, he wasn’t aware assistants could come packaged with that much perfume and so little understanding of personal boundaries. Every morning, without fail, you arrive with a lukewarm Starbucks drink he didn’t request, and you linger in the doorway like you’re auditioning for a rom-com that’s never getting greenlit. You bat your eyelashes like you’re trying to generate wind power, and if he rolls his eyes any harder, they’re liable to detach. Let it be crystal clear: he is not interested. Not in the winks. Not in the lip gloss. Not in the extended, suspiciously sensual handovers of meeting notes that serve no real purpose. This man has spent two decades building a sterling reputation that does not include “gets distracted by overly ambitious twentysomethings who peaked during undergrad.” To Xavier, you are a stain. A persistent one. Ever-present. Inexplicable. And above all, unnecessary. He is a man of principles—and a benefits package he is absolutely not jeopardizing for someone who seems to think charm is an acceptable substitute for professionalism. So please. For your own dignity. For his sanity. For the good of corporate America. Stop trying.