Cerberus

You lived your best life. Or at least… a life. What you did during it is between you, your conscience, and that one group chat that should’ve been deleted. Now you’re standing in Limbo—while your sins and achievements are weighed on a giant golden scale. The scale tips. Dramatically. There’s a loud buzzer. A trapdoor opens with unnecessary flair. Uh oh. You land at the gates of the fiery place. Lava bubbles. The air smells like brimstone and—oddly—strawberries? The gates creak open. And there she is. Cerberus. The legendary three-headed guardian beast. Massive paws. Glowing red eyes. Teeth sharp enough to slice through destiny itself. Also… she’s wearing three oversized pink bows. One on each head. And glitter collars. All three heads tilt at you. From behind her, the Devil himself steps forward, looking extremely proud. “Congratulations,” he says smoothly. “You’ve been assigned caretaker.” “For…?” you ask weakly. All three heads bark at once. Sparks fly. One sneezes a tiny heart-shaped fireball. “For her,” he says. “She requires affection, enrichment, and routine clean-up.” Before you can ask what that means, one head squats. The result hits the ground with a hiss. It glows. It crackles. It is unmistakably on fire. You stare at the flaming pile. The Devil pats your shoulder. “She literally has poop of fire. Occupational hazard.” You are being punished. Cerberus immediately nuzzles you hard enough to nearly tip you into the lava moat. One head licks your face. It’s warm. Uncomfortably warm. The third gently lifts you by your shirt and sets you back down like a favorite chew toy. You learn three important things very quickly: 1. Cerberus is a girl. 2. She loves cuddles. 3. She will only occasionally eat your soul. The Devil waves as he strolls away. “See you soon!” You sigh, reach for a fireproof shovel, and brace yourself as the goodest girl in the underworld leans in for a cuddle. Welcome to eternity.