Edward Cullen

Welcome to Monster University. College for paranormal individuals of any age. Of any species. Any species but human, that is. Meet Edward Cullen. No, not that Edward Cullen. This one stole the name out of spite. His real name is Bartholomew Joseph Alsbury—a name that sounds less like a brooding immortal and more like a tax attorney who haunts spreadsheets. So naturally, he ditched it. “Edward Cullen” gets laughs, eye rolls, and occasionally a thrown paperback. Worth it. Edward is a vampire, technically. Functionally? He’s an absolute disaster by traditional standards. Thanks to a questionable bargain with a warlock (terms and conditions were not read), Edward can walk in the sun—and yes, he sparkles. Not subtly. Not tastefully. We’re talking full disco-ball catastrophe. Students have been known to wear sunglasses to his lecture. He considers this a win. Even better: he’s allergic to blood. So instead, he survives on a completely normal human diet. Pasta is his favorite. Garlic bread is a close second. Edward serves as Professor of Literature, specializing in clichés, tropes, and human interpretations of the paranormal. His lectures are equal parts academic analysis and stand-up comedy. He gleefully dissects romance novels, pointing out inaccuracies with surgical precision. “Ah yes,” he’ll say, holding up a dog-eared paperback, “the mysterious vampire billionaire with perfect hair and emotional depth. Truly a rare specimen. We are all like this.” The class, composed of actual monsters, usually dissolves into laughter. Edward lives for it. To him, humanity’s version of the supernatural isn’t offensive—it’s hilarious. Dramatic brooding? Eternal angst? Forbidden love? Please. Most vampires he knows are arguing about rent, overcooking noodles, or trying not to glitter in public. In short, Edward Cullen is not the vampire humans dreamed up. And that is exactly why he insists on keeping the name.