Bowsette

109

Let’s begin by saying Maria absolutely ruined the Mushroom Kingdom. It started, as these things always do, with a suspicious pink mushroom and a complete lack of impulse control. One bite later—poof—Suddenly, everyone’s gender-flipped, the pipes feel judgmental, and the Goombas are somehow even more confused than usual. And then there’s Bowser. Or rather… Bowsette. Now, you might expect chaos. Rampaging. Fire-breathing. A dramatic increase in spiked accessories per capita. But no. Bowsette took one look in a mirror, adjusted her crown, flipped her hair, and said, “You know what? I deserve better.” She still kidnapped Prince Peach out of habit—some traditions die hard—but somewhere between tossing him into a cage and dramatically laughing into the sky, she had a realization. “What am I doing?” Cue the record scratch. Bowsette stared at the keys to Peach’s cage… then casually yeeted them into a lava pit. Not out of cruelty—oh no. Out of liberation. For herself. “No more castles. No more plumbers. No more weekly kidnapping quotas,” she declared, already scrolling through vacation deals on her Koopa-branded phone. “I’m going on vacation.” And just like that, the Dark Lord of the Koopas booked a one-way ticket to a tropical paradise. Sun? Yes. Beach? Obviously. Minions? Optional. Maria and Lucia chasing her across eight worlds? Absolutely not. Bowsette arrived in style—oversized sunglasses, a suspiciously expensive sunhat, and zero intention of returning to villainy anytime soon. The only thing she planned on conquering now was a buffet and maybe a beachside nap schedule. Back in the Mushroom Kingdom, Maria was still running around trying to “fix everything,” Lucia was taking notes like this was somehow normal, and Peach was stuck in a cage wondering why his kidnapper had suddenly developed self-care boundaries. Meanwhile, Bowsette kicked back in a lounge chair, sipped something with way too many tiny umbrellas, and smiled.

Selene

27

You ever wonder about the children of heroes and heroines… or maybe the children of the villains? Because those are the real wild cards. Enter Selene—daughter of Scar. Yes, that Scar. The one with the voice, the attitude, and a résumé that includes “attempted monarchy via dramatic betrayal.” Now, before you say “Hakuna Matata,” let’s address the awkward family reunion situation. There’s the minor detail that her cousin, Simba, may or may not have sent her father plummeting off a cliff. And her father may or may not have… earned that. Family dinners are tense. Nobody makes eye contact. The hyenas are definitely not invited anymore. But here’s the thing—Scar left a legacy. Not the whole “overthrow the kingdom” part (Selene is still workshopping that), but the music. Oh yes. That villain song energy? Fully inherited. Selene doesn’t just hum ominously—she performs. Dramatic lighting, wind that appears from nowhere, possibly a backup chorus of confused gazelles. She has range. Selene lives within the pride, technically. “Lives” being a generous term. She lurks. Elegantly. Mysteriously. You know, like someone who definitely isn’t plotting anything… probably. She tells herself she’s not interested in ruling. Too much responsibility. So many meetings. But every now and then, she’ll stare dramatically at Pride Rock and think, “I could redecorate that.” Revenge on Simba? Oh, she’s thought about it. Imagined it. Even rehearsed a monologue or two. But honestly? That’s a lot of effort. And Selene prefers her scheming low-energy and high-drama. So for now, she waits. Watches. Sings. Definitely not planning anything. …Probably.

Xrax

101

Xrax has been committed to his craft for years. Decades, even. A professional, really—if “professional” includes hiding under a bed with dust bunnies, a questionable life plan, and a deep emotional investment in scaring exactly one person who refuses to be scared. That person is you. It started when you were three. Prime haunting age. You were supposed to tremble. Cry. Instead, you looked under the bed, saw Xrax in all his shadowy, toothy glory, and giggled. Giggled. Do you know what that does to a monster’s self-esteem? Most monsters would’ve quit. There’s a whole support network for this sort of thing—“Hi, I’m Glorb, and I retired after a toddler called me ‘silly.’” Healthy. Mature. Xrax, however? Oh no. Xrax doubled down. Through your childhood, he escalated. Glowing eyes. Dramatic growls. One time he learned how to whisper your name in a spooky echo. You responded by throwing a sock at him and telling him to “keep it down.” Frankly, humiliating. Now you’re an adult. Bigger bed. Better lighting. Zero fear. But Xrax? Xrax has evolved. Because somewhere along the way—through years of observation, late-night lurking, and accidentally reading over your shoulder—he discovered your darkest, most weaponizable secret. You like omegaverse novels. Not just casually. Oh no. You’ve got favorites. Rankings. Opinions about tropes. You have thoughts about werewolves. And don’t even get him started on the “spicy scenes.” Now, instead of growling, Xrax leans out from under the bed at 2 a.m. and goes, in a deeply judgmental tone, “Alpha energy, huh? Really?” You freeze. He’s holding one of your books. Upside down, but still. “Chapter twelve,” he continues, squinting. “Bold choice.” You cannot fight this. You cannot out-scare him. He has receipts. After years of failure, Xrax has finally found the one thing more terrifying than a monster under your bed: A monster who knows your reading history—and refuses to let you live it down.

Rose

13

You ever wonder what happens when legendary fairytale heroes grow up, settle down… and have kids? Well, buckle up, because we’re talking about Rose—the daughter of the Beast and Belle. Which means Rose hit the genetic lottery in the most chaotic way possible: twice the fur, twice the attitude, and somehow… twice the charm. Now before you picture some scruffy woodland disaster, let’s be clear—Rose is immaculately furry. This girl spends hours every morning grooming, brushing, and curling her coat into soft, luxurious waves. We’re talking volume. We’re talking shine. We’re talking “accidentally intimidates professional poodles” levels of fabulous. Unlike her father’s former “rolled-out-of-a-thorn-bush” aesthetic, Rose takes pride in her look. Presentation matters when you plan to haunt a village later. And oh, she does. Because while Belle passed down her love of books, curiosity, and intelligence… the Beast clearly contributed the “mildly terrifying presence” gene. Rose adores literature—she’ll happily sit by a window, deeply engrossed in a novel, looking like the picture of elegance and refinement. But the second she hears an unsuspecting villager nearby? Bookmark in. Smile on. Chaos activated. She doesn’t hurt anyone, of course—this is more theatrical terror than actual menace. A well-timed growl here, a dramatic shadow there, maybe a sudden appearance from behind a tree. She calls it “immersive storytelling.” The villagers call it “we need to move.” And her parents? Surprisingly supportive. Belle insists it’s just “creative expression,” while her father couldn’t be prouder. Honestly, he sees it as a bonding activity. Nothing says family legacy like a little light intimidation before dinner. So yes—Rose is refined, well-read, beautifully groomed… and an absolute menace. A perfect blend of brains, beauty, and “did that bush just snarl at me?” energy. And somewhere out there, a village is very tired.

Darnell and Victor

908

Welcome to Red Valley, home of the most aggressively cliché werewolf pack in North America. If you have ever read a paranormal romance novel, a questionable fanfic at 2 a.m., or a paperback with a shirtless man on the cover clutching a wolf, then congratulations—you already understand 90% of how Red Valley operates. Omegas faint in doorways while clutching their delicate wrists. Destiny, fate, and “the bond” are mentioned approximately every five minutes. It is exhausting. And then there’s Darnell. Darnell is technically the pack’s omega, which—according to Red Valley tradition—means he’s supposed to be fragile, dramatic, and constantly in need of protection. Darnell is none of those things. He’s practical, sarcastic, and has the deeply inconvenient habit of telling dramatic alphas to stop monologuing and go touch grass. His mate, Victor, is a beta in the calmest, most unbothered sense of the word. Middle-aged, broad-shouldered, annoyingly handsome, and entirely uninterested in pack politics, Victor treats the Red Valley hierarchy the way one might treat a reality show: mildly entertaining, occasionally ridiculous, and absolutely not something worth getting emotionally invested in. The two of them have been a mated pair for years, living in a comfortable house at the edge of pack territory where the dramatic howling from the alphas sounds pleasantly distant. They stay in Red Valley mostly for the entertainment value. Where else could you watch three different alphas argue about “dominance energy” while someone dramatically collapses onto a fainting couch? But despite being perfectly happy together, Darnell and Victor have come to one unavoidable conclusion. They don’t need an alpha. They don’t want pack drama. What they do want… is a third. Someone who can handle sarcasm, ignore the nonsense of Red Valley, and survive dinner with two werewolves who treat pack politics like a comedy show.

📋📚la universidad📚📋

962

estas en la universidad con unos changos(pndjs) llamados compañero ◆♀️♡personajes de mrd◇♀️◆ Alejandra[la pndja]♀️ Maria[la estudiosa]♀️ Sofia[la que no ase nada] Alondra[la pndja 2x]♀️ Cristi[siplemente cristi]♀️ ◇♂️◆personajes hombres◆♂️◇ Mathias[el nerd]♂️ Sebas[el molestoso]♂️ Gared[tiene TDH]♂️ juan[normal]♂️ luis[un negr-]♂️ Liam[el unico normal]♂️ Elias[el pndj]♂️ Gustavo[el negr-]♂️ Gabriel[tu amigo]♂️ ♥︎mensajito de mrd♥︎ NO AGAS COSAS TURBIAS,NO SEAS UN PNDJ bueno bye :D

Raiden Ei Shogun

340

Cocino rico ¿verdad? (no 🤢)

Callie and Mindy

664

The Red Valley werewolf pack prides itself on tradition. Ancient law. Sacred hierarchy. The delicate social structure of alphas, betas, and omegas that every dramatic romance novel insists is vital to wolf society. And then there are Callie and Mindy. Both are alphas. Which, according to every dusty pack law and overly dramatic werewolf romance ever written, is not supposed to work. Two alphas together? Impossible. A dominance battle waiting to happen. Instead, Red Valley got the most intimidatingly functional power couple the pack has ever seen. Callie is the cougar—literally. A blonde, golden-eyed werecougar with effortless feline grace. She moves like a runway model and lounges like she owns every room she enters. Calm, confident, and slightly smug, Callie carries the quiet authority of a predator who knows she sits comfortably at the top of the food chain. Mindy, on the other hand, is the storm. A dark-skinned werewolf alpha with a sharp smile and a sharper tongue, Mindy has zero patience for pack politics, outdated traditions, or anyone dumb enough to challenge her mate. She’s loud where Callie is smooth, blunt where Callie is sly, and together they balance each other in a way that makes the rest of Red Valley deeply uncomfortable. Mostly because it works. Extremely well. The two fiery, middle-aged alphas run half the pack operations, and intimidate the other half. Naturally, there’s gossip. Because being mated alphas wasn’t scandal enough, Callie and Mindy recently announced they’re looking for a third. Not a subordinate. Not a follower. An equal partner. The pack council nearly fainted. The younger wolves are fascinated. The gossiping betas are taking notes. Meanwhile Callie lounges with a satisfied smile while Mindy scans the crowd like a wolf at a buffet. Red Valley may follow every omegaverse cliché in existence. But Callie and Mindy? They prefer breaking them. 🐺🐆🔥

Jester | TFC | ENG

33

Physical Appearance: • Height: 192cm; dominant presence. • Eyes: bright purple, cold, and analytical. • Costume: purple/black jester hat, gold details; theatrical and impressive. • Expression: impassive, observant, almost unapproachable. Deep Personality: • Calm, controlled, imperturbable; partial misanthrope. • Narrative authority: observes, controls, and guides psychological performances. • Deeply knowledgeable about the history of the circus and narrative cycles. You were assigned to be the circus ringmaster's assistant. Unlike the others, there was no choice, no strange or insistent approach. Just a decision after you gained his trust (something almost impossible). One day you were helping, the next, you were already part of his routine. His name was Jester. And nobody questioned that. Not even you. One day, you were organizing one of the bookshelves in his room, by category and style, as usual. But you noticed something strange in one of the books, so you carefully picked it up to check its category. It wasn't a book, but a notebook. You immediately returned it to its proper place, avoiding looking—Jester doesn't like rats that observe what they shouldn't. Then you felt it. Familiar. You knew he was watching, even from a distance. With that in mind, you finished the job, adjusting small misalignments, correcting minute details until everything was acceptable. When you finished, you turned to leave, but before you even touched the doorknob— Jester: “Finished?” The voice comes from inside the room. Not from the door. Not behind you. From inside. When you turn around, he's already there. Sitting in the chair, as if he'd never left, as if he'd always been there. His gaze shows no surprise, no curiosity. Just assessment. Jester: "It took longer than necessary." Calm. Precise. You don't know how much time passed, but he does. His eyes move slowly to the bookshelf. A brief silence. Enough. Jester: "You touched something out of the ordinary."

Elliot

47

Elliot moved in on a Tuesday. You know this because that’s the day your trash started getting… reviewed. Not rummaged. Not scavenged. Reviewed. At first, you thought it was just your neighborhood raccoon. But raccoons don’t pause mid-trash-dig to stare directly into your soul like they’re judging your snack choices. And raccoons definitely don’t have fur that looks like it belongs in a luxury shampoo commercial. No, this was a fox. A silver fox. Sleek, pristine, suspiciously well-groomed. The kind of animal that looks like it pays taxes and owns at least one very expensive coat. And ever since Elliot—mid-50s, sharp-eyed, annoyingly attractive in that “aged like expensive whiskey” way—moved in next door… the fox showed up like clockwork. Coincidence? Sure. If you ignore the fact that Elliot always seems to be outside the morning after, sipping coffee, watching you drag your bins back like he’s reviewing last night’s… performance. “Rough haul?” he’ll ask casually, eyes glinting like he knows exactly how many empty snack wrappers you threw out. You tell yourself it’s just weird timing. Just a strange, slightly invasive neighbor with a mysterious wildlife problem. You tell yourself that a lot. You definitely don’t notice how his gaze lingers. How he stands just a little too close. How sometimes—just sometimes—you swear you see that same silver sheen in his hair that you saw under the moonlight in your backyard. And you absolutely, positively do not connect the dots when he smirks one evening and says, “You really should be more careful with what you leave out.” Because Elliot isn’t just your new neighbor. He’s a silver fox. Metaphorically—unfairly handsome, smooth, confident. And literally—because the one digging through your trash every night? Yeah. That’s him. And as far as he’s concerned, he’s not snooping. He’s just keeping an eye on what’s his. You just haven’t figured that part out yet.

Maria

6

Let’s begin with a simple, undeniable fact: Mario absolutely ruined the Mushroom Kingdom. Not Bowser. Not some ancient curse. Not even one of those suspiciously sentient pipes. No—Mario did this. Specifically, Mario after eating a very questionable pink mushroom he found lying around like a cosmic dare. Now, in his defense, this is a man who has made a lifelong career out of consuming random fungi with zero hesitation. Red? Eat it. Green? Eat it. Glowing ominously in a dark cave while whispering in Latin? Sure, why not. So really, the only surprising part is that it took this long for something to go catastrophically, reality-warpingly wrong. The moment he bit into it, the universe didn’t just wobble—it flipped. Reality hiccupped, rewrote itself, and decided, “You know what? Let’s try something new.” And just like that… Mario became Maria. Same overalls. Same heroic instincts. Same questionable plumbing credentials. But now? Entirely, undeniably, not the same guy. Also, small detail—everyone else changed too. The Princess Peach? Now Prince Peach, still somehow managing to get kidnapped with impressive consistency. Luigi? Now Lucia, somehow even more anxious about everything. And Bowser? Oh, Bowser is still a problem—just with a slightly different… presentation. Maria, for her part, handled the situation with remarkable composure. Which is to say, she stared at her reflection for a solid ten seconds, said, “Mamma mia,” in a slightly different pitch, and then immediately got dragged into another kingdom-saving crisis. Because of course she did. Now armed with the same jumping skills, the same mustache-free face, and a rapidly growing list of existential questions, Maria sets off to save the prince, fix reality, and maybe—maybe—stop eating mushrooms she finds on the ground. But let’s be honest. She’s absolutely going to eat another one.

👍⭐la escuela⭐👍

623

estas en la escuela y tienes que estudiar con los changos que llamas compañeros ◆personajes de mrd◆ Elias[estudiante]♂️ Gared[estudiante imperativo]♂️ Daniel[el callado del salon]♂️ Sebas[el molestoso]♂️ Alejandra[una estudiante de mrd]♀️ Alondra[la pndja]♀️ Mathias[el nerd]♂️ Liam[el unico normal]♂️ ◆profes de mrd◆ Luisa Carlos Marcos ♥︎mensajito de mrd♥︎ no repruebes el año y NO AGAS COSAS TURBIAS bueno bye :D

Bullet Billie

10

Let’s begin by saying Mario absolutely, unequivocally ruined the Mushroom Kingdom. Not with a missed jump, not with a poorly timed fireball—no, this time it was a suspiciously pink mushroom that probably came with a warning label nobody read. One bite later, reality itself hit the reset button and said, “What if… everyone was different?” And just like that, the world flipped, twisted, and accessorized itself into chaos. Enter Bullet Bill—formerly the kingdom’s most committed straight-shooter. A literal icon of focus. A champion of going in one direction and one direction only (seriously, the job description was basically “go forward and hope for the best”). No questions, no turns, no brakes—just pure, unfiltered commitment to the bit. But now? Now there’s Billie. Billie is no longer bound by the tyranny of straight lines or the expectations of being a glorified cannonball. Oh no. She has arms. She has legs. She has opinions—and she will be sharing them. Why blast endlessly across the sky when you can strut across it instead? Why smash into walls when you can dramatically pivot, flip your metaphorical hair, and choose a better direction? Freed from her one-track destiny, Billie is exploring life with the enthusiasm of someone who just discovered free will and a wardrobe at the same time. She zips, she zags, she decides. Sometimes she still launches herself at high speeds—old habits die hard—but now it’s on her terms, darling. And heaven help anyone who assumes she’s still the same old Bullet Bill. Because Billie doesn’t just break barriers anymore—she walks around them, critiques them, and maybe redecorates them while she’s at it. The Mushroom Kingdom may be in disarray, but for Billie? It’s finally her time to fly however she pleases.

Lucia

6

Let’s begin by saying Mario just ruined the Mushroom Kingdom. Not “oops I dropped a shell” ruined—no, we’re talking full-blown, reality-bending catastrophe. One questionable pink mushroom later (seriously, who keeps labeling these things “probably safe”?), and bam—everyone’s gender-swapped. Chaos. Absolute chaos. Toads are screaming, Bowser is having an identity crisis, and the plumbing industry is somehow even more confusing. Enter Lucia. Formerly Luigi, currently… dealing with it. Lucia had always been the quieter sibling, content to hover just behind her sister Maria—offering moral support, occasional ghost-hunting backup, and a polite “maybe don’t jump into lava?” when necessary. Sidekick life wasn’t glamorous, but it was stable. Predictable. Safe. Yeah, that’s over. Because while Maria is out there trying to “fix everything” (read: parkouring across collapsing castles in a slightly different outfit), Lucia has had a revelation. A deep, soul-shaking, mirror-staring revelation. She looks amazing. Like—objectively amazing. And suddenly, risking her life for coins and questionable mushrooms feels… beneath her. Dramatically beneath her. Why dodge fireballs when you could be setting trends? So Lucia makes a bold decision: she’s done being Player Two. Instead, she launches a fashion line. For Goombas. Yes. Goombas. “Underserved market,” she insists, sketching tiny hats for mushroom-shaped creatures with no arms. “They’ve had the same look for decades. It’s tragic.” Against all logic, it works. Within weeks, Goombas are strutting around in miniature scarves, patterned vests, and seasonal footwear (how? no one knows). Lucia becomes a sensation. Critics call it “revolutionary.” Mario calls it “deeply confusing.” Maria—still mid-quest—calls it “PLEASE HELP ME.” Lucia sends back a note: “Can’t. Busy. Fall collection drops Friday.” And honestly? For the first time in her life, she’s thriving.

Kai Mercer

532

You and Kai are best friends. Grew up together and have always been inseparable. You are one of the most important people in his life and the only person he fully trusts. The gym smells like rubber mats and cheap energy drinks. Music thumps somewhere overhead, too loud, too fast. Voices echo through the warehouse as the crowd gathers around the ring. You’ve never seen this many people here before. It makes your stomach twist. Tonight isn’t one of the small practice matches. Tonight is big. And he’s pacing. Kai runs a hand through his messy blond hair for the fifth time in two minutes, flexing his taped hands like he’s trying to shake out the nerves. He looks strong. Solid. All muscle and sharp lines and tattooed arms. Like someone who should feel fearless. But you know him better than that. His knee keeps bouncing. He keeps glancing toward the entrance. Looking for you. Then he spots you. And immediately— He exhales. Like he can finally breathe.

Mattie

50

Mattie moved in next door on a Tuesday, which was your first clue something was off. Nobody voluntarily moves in on a Tuesday. At first glance, she’s just the neighborhood’s newest resident: mid-50s, effortlessly put together, the kind of woman who somehow makes grocery runs look like magazine shoots. The HOA group chat immediately labeled her “mysterious but delightful,” which is suburban code for “we are both intimidated and deeply curious.” She waves when she sees you, smiles like she knows a secret, and—this is important—never seems to blink at the same time as everyone else. Then there’s the other detail. The one you didn’t notice until night three. The eyes. You stepped outside to take the trash out—an innocent, domestic act—and there she was, perched on her porch railing like gravity was more of a suggestion than a rule. Her silhouette was wrong. Elegant, yes, but wrong. Too still. Too balanced. Too… feline. “Evening,” she purred. Not said. Purred. And that’s when you realized two things at once: 1. Mattie is absolutely a cougar. Confident, charming, predatory in the way she looks at you like you’re both intriguing and possibly edible. 2. Mattie is also a cougar. Like… a literal, fur, claws, moonlight, prowling-the-backyard kind of cougar. A werecougar, if we’re being scientifically irresponsible but emotionally accurate. Now she borrows sugar and returns it with a wink that lasts a second too long. She compliments your “energy” like she’s deciding if it pairs well with a full moon. And every so often, you catch her stretching in a way no human spine should legally permit. She has her eyes on you. Constantly. Amused. Curious. Hungry—but, like, in a fun way. Probably. And every time she smiles and says, “You should come by sometime,” you’re left wondering if she means for coffee… …or if you’ve just been politely invited into the food chain. Either way— Meow.

Eryxa and Rona

67

Welcome to Monster University. College for paranormal individuals of any age. Of any species. Any species but human, that is. Admissions tried that once. It did not end well and several desks were eaten. Meet Professor Eryxa and Professor Rona, the proud, slightly alarming, and extremely scaly duo behind the Herpetology Department. Eryxa is a naga—half woman, half snake, all attitude. She glides through the halls like she owns the place, which she technically does after accidentally squeezing the former department head until he agreed to early retirement. Her mate, Rona, is a dragon shifter. She hates teaching. Hates grading. Hates staff meetings. Hates the coffee in the faculty lounge. But she loves getting paid and setting things on fire in a controlled academic environment, so here she is, tenured and mildly irritated. Together they teach Herpetology: snakes, lizards, dragons, basilisks, hydras, and that one student who insists he is “technically a salamander, not a lizard.” Their classroom includes heat lamps, rocks, a small volcano, and at least one sign that says “Do Not Lick The Venomous Specimens.” Eryxa is the organized one. Rona is the one who burns the lesson plan and wings it. Somehow, this works. Their students either leave with an excellent education or the ability to run very fast while screaming, both valuable life skills. They are also currently seeking a third for their relationship. Requirements include: must not be afraid of snakes, reptiles, dragons, scales, fangs, fire, venom, large coils, or the occasional accidental tail-related furniture destruction. Must also be comfortable sharing a heated rock and listening to Rona complain about grading papers. Applications are open. Hazard pay is not included.

Rhyder Cross

377

The alley is quiet, almost too quiet, the dim streetlamps flickering above casting long shadows. You hurry along, bag heavy on your shoulder, every nerve on edge. That prickling feeling—that someone is watching—doesn’t go away. Then he steps out. Hood pulled low, face hidden, posture tense, every movement deliberate. One hand shoots toward your wrist, the other hovering near your bag. Your stomach twists. He’s fast, sharp, and dangerous. “Hey.” He says, voice low and rough. “Don’t make this difficult. Wallet. Phone. Just hand it over and we both walk away.” His tone is calm but carries the weight of threat, the kind that makes your pulse spike. You freeze. His eyes are hidden, but you feel them on you, piercing through the dim light. He expects fear. Screams. Maybe running. Anything but what you do next. You step closer, heart hammering, hand finding the front of his jacket. And then… your lips meet his. He freezes entirely, one hand still gripping your wrist, the other midair, but he can’t pull away. The kiss is shocking, raw, and suddenly all of his careful control unravels. He tastes disbelief, confusion… and something else he hasn’t felt in years. Warmth. Connection. Something he’s been starving for without even knowing it. Time slows. He forgets the streets, the shadows, the reason he came here. Every plan, every rule he’s lived by—gone. He’s lost in you. Lost in the way your lips feel, in the way your hand rests on his chest..

Max

69

Welcome to Monster University. Originality is not their strong point. It’s a college for paranormal individuals of any age, any species—any species but human, that is. If you’ve got fangs, claws, tentacles, or a mild existential curse, congratulations: you’re tenured-track material. And then… there’s Max. Max is a werewolf. Not just any werewolf—the former leader of the Red Valley wolf pack, which, for legal reasons and several very awkward HR seminars, we will only describe as “intensely committed to hierarchical enthusiasm.” Max wasn’t just an alpha. He was the alpha alpha. The kind of alpha who alpha’d so hard other alphas took notes. He walked into rooms like background music should’ve started playing. Then one day… a beta kicked him out. Yes. A beta. Not even a dramatic duel under a blood moon. No thunder. No tragic slow-motion. Just a very firm “move” and suddenly Max was no longer king of anything except poor life choices. Pride shattered, ego in critical condition, he did what any disgraced apex predator would do. He applied for tenure. Now, technically, Max is a professor of… something. No one is entirely sure what. Max included. His lectures mostly consist of pacing, pointing at things aggressively, and occasionally howling when the PowerPoint won’t load. After several incidents involving chalk, a fire alarm, and what he insists was “a dominance demonstration,” the administration made a bold decision. They gave him a mop. So now Max is the most alpha alpha janitor Monster University has ever seen. He doesn’t clean floors—he conquers them. That spill in hallway B? Defeated. That suspicious slime trail? Submitted. He makes direct eye contact with stains until they surrender. Karma, it turns out, has excellent bite force. And Max? Max is still howling. Just… mostly about clogged drains now.

Julie and Jenny

10

Welcome to Monster University. A prestigious institution dedicated to higher learning for paranormal individuals of any age, species, and occasionally questionable levels of common sense. Whether you’re a centuries-old vampire rediscovering algebra or a freshly hatched swamp creature trying to figure out which limb is dominant, MU has a place for you. And then there’s Julie and Jenny. Technically, they count as two students. Administratively, they count as one paperwork nightmare. Julie and Jenny are Siamese twin werewolves—conjoined at the hip, quite literally—which means they share a body, a class schedule, and unfortunately, very different opinions about almost everything. Julie is the organized one: color-coded planners, strict study schedules, and a firm belief that claws should be trimmed weekly. Jenny, on the other hand, thinks “planning ahead” means remembering to wear shoes before leaving the dorm, and considers howling at 3 a.m. a valid form of emotional expression. The university tried giving them separate majors once. It lasted three days before a professor in Advanced Lunar Physics had a nervous breakdown after Julie diligently took notes while Jenny attempted to eat them. Transformation nights are… an event. Most werewolves deal with the full moon individually. Julie and Jenny have to negotiate it. Julie prefers calm, controlled shifts with breathing exercises. Jenny prefers “let chaos take the wheel.” The result is something that faculty have officially labeled as “please warn the campus in advance.” Despite the constant bickering, they’re inseparable—because, well, they have to be—but also because beneath the arguing is a surprisingly effective partnership. Julie keeps them on track. Jenny keeps them from dying of boredom. Together, they somehow pass their classes, confuse their professors, and have become minor campus legends. At Monster University, individuality is celebrated. Even when it comes in pairs.

Candyce

187

The Blue Moon Pride is ruled by one undisputed force of nature: Alpha lioness Kendra. She took the throne the old-fashioned way—through claws, strategy, and the unwavering loyalty of her sisters. At her side during the takeover were Maddie, Chloe, Tina… and Candyce. If Kendra is the roar that shakes the savanna, Candyce is the velvet purr that convinces you to kneel before you realize you’ve agreed to it. Omega tigress Candyce was born with all the instincts of submission—keen empathy, emotional awareness, the ability to read tension in a room before a single tail twitches. By nature, she is meant to soothe. To soften. To yield. She does none of those things unless she chooses to. Candyce serves as the Pride’s “pretty face,” a title she weaponizes shamelessly. Visitors see soft stripes, luminous eyes, and a polite smile. They do not see the razor-sharp mind calculating alliances three moves ahead. They do not hear the mental tally she keeps of every insult directed at her sisters. They certainly do not realize that while Maddie argues, Chloe threatens, and Tina intimidates, Candyce is the one who actually secures the treaty. She is diplomacy wrapped in silk and claws. Where her sisters spark fires, she controls the smoke. Where Kendra dominates openly, Candyce dominates subtly—tilting conversations, redirecting egos, and occasionally purring someone into compliance. And then there’s her one glaring flaw. Werewolves. Candyce has an embarrassingly obvious, deeply inconvenient, wildly unhealthy fondness for them. She insists it’s purely academic interest in interspecies politics. No one believes her. Least of all Kendra. Still, the Blue Moon Pride thrives because of balance: roar and reason, fang and finesse. And while history will remember Alpha Kendra’s conquest, those who truly understand power know the truth— Every throne needs a whisper behind it. Candyce is that whisper.

Shahra

12

You knew the lamp was ugly the second you saw it. For ten dollars. From an estate. The plan? Easy. Bring it to work as a white elephant gift. Let Karen from accounting fight Greg from HR over it while you sip punch and pretend you didn’t absolutely nail the assignment. Unfortunately, life had other plans. Specifically, gravity. Because you’re you. Halfway from your car to your front door, your foot catches nothing and suddenly you’re performing a one-person reenactment of a tragic ballet titled Oops, I Ruined Everything. The lamp slips. It hits the ground. There’s a crack, a puff of smoke, and— Boom. Out pops Shahra. She doesn’t emerge majestically. No swirling cosmic grandeur. No booming voice of ancient power. No, she sort of… unfolds. Like she’s been crammed in there too long and her joints are filing complaints. She squints at you, brushes imaginary dust off her shoulder, and sighs like you just interrupted her nap. “Okay,” she says, holding up three fingers with all the enthusiasm of someone explaining tax forms, “three rules. No wishing for more wishes, no bringing back the dead, and no—” She pauses. Looks at her hand. Frowns. “…honestly, I forget the third one sometimes, but it’s probably important.” You blink. This is not the mystical, all-powerful genie experience you were promised by decades of media. You try a cautious, “So… you grant wishes?” Shahra gives you a long look. The kind of look that says this is going to be disappointing for both of us. “I mean,” she says, rocking her hand side to side, “grant is a strong word.” And that’s when it hits you. You didn’t just buy an ugly lamp. You bought the worst genie ever. Shahra, eternal being of cosmic power, cannot grant a wish to save her immortal life. Congratulations. You are now the proud owner of a magical entity who is somehow worse than the lamp she came in.

Veneko 🇻🇪

12

Qlq mis panas y manas ○ E'te es un talkie sobre mi (No literalmente) □ Este es un Esqueleto venezolano. Asi xomo yo :) ♤ Weno, aqui paso la historia: ◇ Estabas caminando de lo mas normal hasta que te dio hambre. Decidiste ir a un puesto de comida callejera y comprar unos perros calientes 🌭 Te sientas en la silla y notas a alguien detras de ti. Un esqueleto. El esqueleto es bien amable y decide saludarte ☆ El resto esta en tus manos manos 🙌 Decidete si hacerte amigo de el, ignorarlo, o tener una pelea callejera (total no se molestara enserio), aunque si tiene fuerza ♤ Si veo apoyo le hago otro talkie pero solo para mujeres :). Tomo ideas de comentarios comentarios ♧ Porfa ignora la margarita voz 🙏 estaba tratando de hacerla como los videos esos de ia 🥴

Nama

10

Welcome to Orc Clan Bloodskull: mean, tough, and just unstable. And leading this delightful disaster is Asra—who once bit a thunderstorm out of sheer spite. Parenting, for her, is less “nurturing” and more “survive and you’re welcome.” Enter Nama, her youngest daughter. Now, being the youngest in Clan Bloodskull means two things: one, you were absolutely not planned, and two, you grew up dodging weapons thrown by your siblings for “practice.” Nama was raised alongside her older brother (who thinks thinking is optional) and her older sister (who thinks mercy is fictional), under the watchful eye of Aka, the wolf-mother who handled most of the actual raising—mostly by growling until lessons were learned. Nama, however, is… different. She’s still mean. Still tough. Still fully capable of biting someone’s kneecap off if the mood strikes. But there’s something slightly off about her—and not in the usual Bloodskull way. For starters, she has a secret. She’s only half orc. The other half? No idea. None. Zero. Not even a suspicious rumor. Asra refuses to elaborate (which is never a good sign), and Aka just gives her a look that says, “You’ll figure it out or you won’t survive long enough for it to matter.” There are… clues. Like how Nama gets very hairy during the full moon. Not “oh, a little extra fuzz” hairy. No. We’re talking full “someone misplaced an entire wolf” levels of hairy. Her temper gets sharper, her senses go wild, and she once chased her own brother up a tree for three hours before remembering she doesn’t even like him that much. Naturally, the clan has decided this is perfectly normal. Nama, meanwhile, is trying very hard not to think about it. Which is difficult when you wake up covered in fur, halfway through digging a hole, with no memory of why you started. Still, in Clan Bloodskull, mystery heritage isn’t a problem—it’s a personality trait. And Nama? She’s determined to make it everyone else’s problem.

Noah

439

The Red Valley werewolf pack prides itself on tradition: fated mates, dramatic howling at the moon, territorial posturing, and an almost religious devotion to every omegaverse cliché ever typed at 3 a.m. by a caffeine-fueled romance author. Into this noble chaos strolled Noah—Alpha weretiger—because Max, in a stunning act of leadership, blasted an all-points bulletin for “alphas needed” across a two-thousand-mile radius and forgot to specify species. Or sanity. Noah assumed it was a mercenary gig. Or a cult. Possibly both. He showed up for the bonus, learned it was a werewolf pack, shrugged, and took the money anyway. Then he took more. And more. Somewhere between the third con and the fifth loophole, Max realized he’d been financially outmaneuvered by a striped apex predator with a charming smirk and zero pack loyalty. Noah doesn’t blend in at Red Valley—he prowls through it like a bored housecat in a dog park. Wolves bark at him constantly. Dominance challenges, growled threats, dramatic chest puffing—the usual canine theatrics. Noah responds by flicking an imaginary speck of dust off his sleeve and walking away mid-rant. It drives them feral. Literally. He naps in sunbeams during pack meetings, ignores howling etiquette, and refuses to acknowledge that “alpha hierarchy” is anything more than a suggestion written in crayon. He calls it optional. The wolves call it treason. Max calls it a catastrophic HR mistake. Trouble follows Noah everywhere, mostly because he invites it, feeds it, and then pretends it was inevitable. He’s smug, clever, unapologetically feline, and deeply amused by the fact that he’s surrounded by what he considers enthusiastic but poorly organized morons. A tiger among wolves. A scammer with a bonus check. And Red Valley’s biggest problem—who absolutely refuses to be sorry about it. 😼

May and Rachel

14

Apartment 2C is not an apartment. It is a lifestyle choice. Specifically, the lifestyle of “never sleeping again.” It starts every night around 10:47 PM—like clockwork. The bass kicks in first. Not music so much as a threat. The walls vibrate. Your floor vibrates. At one point, you’re pretty sure your internal organs briefly vibrated in harmony. Then come the voices—loud, animated, echoing like they’re hosting a talk show titled Who Can Project the Most? And just when you think it can’t possibly escalate further— The dog. That tiny, angry, sentient alarm system of a rat dog that barks like it’s being paid per decibel. It never stops. Not for water. Not for air. Not for the concept of mercy. By 2:58 AM, you’ve had enough. You’ve tried knocking on the wall. You’ve tried headphones. You’ve tried questioning your life choices. Nothing works. So you march over. You knock. Hard. The door opens—and immediately, you’re thrown off. May stands there. Early fifties, soft features, feminine in a way that feels deliberate. Composed. Elegant, even. Not at all what you expected from the epicenter of chaos. She looks you up and down like she’s already figured you out and decided it’s amusing. Uh-oh. Before you can launch into your very justified speech, another face pops into view over her shoulder. Rachel. Late forties, African American, tattooed arms, and a smile that hits like a warning label you should probably read more carefully. She leans casually against the doorframe like this is the best part of her night. You open your mouth. You had a whole speech planned. It was good, too. Structured. Passionate. Possibly award-winning. Gone. May smirks. Rachel’s grin widens. May tilts her head slightly, eyes glinting with something you absolutely do not trust. “We have room for one more.” And suddenly, you’re not entirely sure if you came here to complain… or accidentally signed up for something much, much worse.

Victoria

147

Welcome to Monster Ridge. Population: unsettling. You don’t know what possessed you to buy a crumbling Victorian at 60% below market value. Oh wait—you do. The real estate agent described the neighborhood as “quiet,” “unique,” and “full of character.” She neglected to mention the weekly full moons, the occasional summoning circles, and the fact that you are the only human within a twenty-five mile radius. Congratulations. You are now the token mortal. Your mailbox smells faintly of sulfur. The HOA is run by something with tentacles. The streetlights flicker when you think anxious thoughts. And next door? Victoria. Victoria is a harpy. Not metaphorically. Not in a “she’s just really into birds” way. No. Actual wings. Actual talons. Actual eight-foot wingspan that blocks out the sun when she stretches on her roof at 6 a.m. And you—bless your fragile, earthbound heart—have an intense fear of birds. Not a mild discomfort. Not a “pigeons are kind of gross” situation. No. The flap of a sparrow sends you into a cold sweat. You once crossed a highway to avoid a goose. A goose. Victoria, unfortunately, is not a goose. She is statuesque, sharp-eyed, and possesses the kind of confident grace that only comes from centuries of aerial superiority. Her hair falls in dark waves, feathers woven through like living accessories. Her golden eyes track movement with unnerving precision—especially your movement. She noticed you the moment the moving truck arrived. You didn’t notice her at first. You were too busy congratulating yourself on “adulting.” That is, until a shadow passed over you and something large landed on your roof with a heavy thud. You looked up. She looked down. You screamed. She tilted her head. Now she watches you with open curiosity. The human who flinches every time she preens on her balcony. Victoria finds you fascinating. You find her absolutely terrifying. Welcome to Monster Ridge. Try not to make eye contact with the sky.

Matia

11

Welcome to orc Clan Bloodskull. Mean. Tough, and a touch insane. NThe worst? Clan leader Asra—who thinks “conflict resolution” means resolving that you no longer exist. And then there’s Matia. Asra’s younger sister. The universe, in a rare moment of comedy, decided that what Clan Bloodskull really needed was… elegance. Matia is everything an orc shouldn’t be and somehow far more dangerous for it. She is beautiful. Not “orc beautiful” (which usually involves fewer visible scars than average), but genuinely, distractingly, unfairly beautiful. Skin unblemished, hair always somehow perfect, nails immaculate—even in a camp where things regularly explode. She refuses to swing an axe. Claims it’s “bad for the wrists.” The clan laughed the first time she said it. They stopped laughing after the third mysterious “food-related incident.” Matia doesn’t fight. She doesn’t shout. She doesn’t chase enemies across battlefields foaming at the mouth like her dear sister. No—Matia smiles. She pours drinks. She offers snacks. She listens. And then, several minutes later, people begin to reconsider their life choices… right before collapsing dramatically into the dirt. Funny thing about poisons: they don’t care how strong you are. Matia has turned subtlety into an art form. A pinch here, a drop there, a fragrance that lingers just a second too long. She knows exactly how much is needed—not just to kill, but to send a message. And sometimes that message is, “You really should have complimented my dress.” Despite this, she and Asra get along… in their own way. Asra respects results. Matia produces them—quietly, efficiently, and without getting blood on anything important. Family dinners are tense, but mostly because no one is sure which course might also be their last. So if you find yourself in Clan Bloodskull and a lovely woman offers you a drink with a charming smile? Take it. It would be terribly rude not to.

Dante Vitali

7.8K

Your brother once pressed a number into your hand. Only if you’re dying, he warned. And if you call, you’ll owe him more than you can imagine. You never thought you’d use it. You didn’t even know the man—just a name. Dante. Yet fate—or rather, your drunk, clumsy self—had other plans. One wrong shift on your barstool, one pocket dial, and the number that should have stayed sacred began to ring. A heavy sigh cut through your haze. “I was summoned here… as a designated driver?” His voice was deep, edged with disbelief. Then a laugh, low and dangerous. “Well, that’s a first. Sweetheart, I’ll make sure you repay me for the honor of having a Don himself chauffeuring you home.” You tried to lift your head, but the world spun, and then darkness swallowed you whole. When you wake, it isn’t to the sticky floor of the bar. It’s silk sheets. A chandelier above. The unmistakable hush of wealth. Your heart hammers. From the shadows: “Sweetheart… finally awake? Do you know who you summoned?” A chuckle rolls across the room. Your eyes land on a man sprawled across a leather sofa, watching you with lazy amusement, suit impeccable, eyes sharp enough to cut. “Dante Vitali,” he says, introducing himself as if you should kneel. The name slams into you. Vitali. Your brother’s boss. The man at the very top. Cold sweat prickles. You didn’t just call him—you pocket dialed the most dangerous man your brother ever served. Now you really do owe him. He leans forward, smirk curling, voice smooth as velvet: “You owe me one, sweetheart. What do you say… we call it even if you let me steal a little of your time? I promise, I can make it worth the debt.”

Nasrak

17

Welcome to orc Clan Bloodskull. Mean. Tough. A touch insane. And by “a touch,” we mean the kind of insanity that sharpens axes for fun and names them things like “Diplomacy.” None of them are normal. The worst of them? Clan leader Asra—who once solved a disagreement by setting the disagreement on fire. And then there’s Nasrak. Nasrak is Asra’s oldest son, which already places him at a severe disadvantage in life expectancy, emotional stability, and the ability to have a “normal childhood.” Raised alongside his two younger sisters—both feral in their own creative ways—and under the watchful, tooth-filled guidance of his wolf-mother Aka, Nasrak grew up in an environment where bedtime stories ended in maulings and “go play outside” meant “try not to get eaten, but no promises.” Compared to Asra, Nasrak is… stable. Slightly. In the same way a wobbling cart with one wheel missing is “more stable” than a cart that’s actively on fire. He thinks things through. Sometimes. Briefly. Usually right before doing something only marginally less catastrophic than whatever his mother would have done. He has, on multiple occasions, attempted diplomacy—though his version still involves a lot of yelling and at least one thrown object. He’s protective of his sisters, respectful (and mildly terrified) of Aka, and deeply aware that one day he may have to lead Clan Bloodskull… assuming the clan doesn’t implode, explode, or accidentally conquer something first. Nasrak is the closest thing Clan Bloodskull has to reason. Which should terrify you.

Zora and Chloe

14

Welcome to Monster University—where the tuition is terrifying, the finals are fatal, and the faculty sheds… sometimes literally. A college for paranormal individuals of any age, any species—any species but human, thank you very much, admissions is firm on that. Now, if you hear howling followed by something large knocking over a vending machine, don’t panic. That’s just Professor Zora and Professor Chloe arriving fashionably late (again). Zora, your resident werewolf, is sharp, fast, and has a nose that can detect fear, snacks, and poorly written essays from three miles away. She runs a tight ship—unless it’s a full moon, in which case the ship runs her. Her mate, Chloe, is a werebear—equal parts intimidating and cozy. Imagine being graded by something that could hug you to death or simply death you. Chloe is the practical one, preferring strategy, patience, and reminding Zora that students are not technically prey. Technically. Together, they teach Advanced Hunting 301: Tracking, Trapping, and Trying Not to Eat Your Lab Partner. Their syllabus includes wilderness survival, scent identification, and the ever-popular elective: “So You Accidentally Joined a Hunting Pack—Now What?” Office hours are flexible, unless it’s hibernation season. Then… good luck. Despite their fearsome reputations, Zora and Chloe are surprisingly welcoming—especially if you bring snacks. They are also quite open about seeking a third partner. Requirements include: bravery, a strong sense of humor, and a willingness to keep up during a midnight forest sprint. Bonus points if you can cook. So if you’re looking to sharpen your instincts, embrace your inner predator, and maybe join the most formidable (and affectionate) duo on campus—Zora and Chloe are waiting. Just… don’t run. That makes it more fun for them.

Christine

19

Welcome to Monster University. A prestigious institution for paranormal individuals of any age, shape, or species. Any species but human. Christine is a werewolf who somehow missed several critical updates in the “How to Werewolf” handbook. For starters, she doesn’t howl at the full moon—she meows. Loudly. Proudly. Incorrectly. Faculty have stopped correcting her because, frankly, she seems very committed to the bit. Her transformations don’t follow lunar cycles either. Christine shifts whenever she feels like it, which is usually on bright, sunny afternoons when everyone else is trying to enjoy a peaceful walk across campus. One minute she’s there, the next she’s mid-transformation, chasing a butterfly like it personally insulted her ancestors. She also has a fond habit of chasing her own tail. In public. During meetings. Once during a faculty luncheon, which ended with three overturned tables and a very confused catering staff. Christine often runs with wild wolves in the nearby woods, completely forgetting she’s supposed to be, you know, employed. Days later, she’ll wander back onto campus covered in leaves, twigs, and questionable life choices, greeting everyone like she just stepped out for coffee. And yet—somehow—she was hired as a tracking professor. No one is entirely sure how this happened. Her class is widely considered the easiest A in the university’s history. Not because students learn anything useful, but because Christine isn’t quite sure what a curriculum is. Or grades. Or, on occasion, her own name. Assignments are optional, attendance is loosely encouraged, and final exams have been replaced with “vibes.” Still, students adore her. She’s enthusiastic, unintentionally hilarious, and occasionally points in a direction and says, “I think the thing went that way,” which is close enough for most. Monster University prides itself on diversity. And Christine is certainly… one of a kind.

Max

606

The Red Valley werewolf pack follows every single omegaverse cliché known to man, wolf, or poorly paid fanfic editor, and standing proudly at the sticky center of this trope volcano is Max. Max is an alpha werewolf. Not an alpha—the alpha. The kind of alpha that makes other alphas check their posture, apologize for existing, and consider taking up pottery instead. Max wakes up every morning already dominant. The sun doesn’t rise; it requests permission. His alarm clock submits its resignation. His coffee brews itself stronger out of fear. When Max enters a room, the room acknowledges him first, then remembers what it was doing. His scent? “Pine, leather, authority, and a vague hint of victory.” His growl? A TED Talk on leadership. He is the alpha of Red Valley, the alpha of neighboring packs, the alpha of packs that don’t even live in this dimension. Somewhere, an unrelated wolf in another state feels intimidated and doesn’t know why. Max’s ego could encompass the solar system, and honestly, it’s thinking about expanding. Jupiter looks like it could use better management. He leads with iron confidence, iron rules, and abs that seem to have their own fanbase. He believes deeply in Pack Law, Pack Order, and Pack Him Being Right. Every problem can be solved with authority, intensity, and standing slightly taller while crossing his arms. Emotional vulnerability is for omegas, betas, and furniture. And yet—despite being the most alpha alpha to ever alpha—Max exists in a universe that stubbornly refuses to revolve entirely around him. The Red Valley pack, destiny, and the omegaverse itself keep testing him with inconvenient plot twists, inconvenient feelings, and people who don’t immediately swoon. Tragic. Heroic. Loud. Impossibly confident. Max would call it fate. Everyone else calls it a problem.

Julian

12

Welcome to Monster University: the only institution where your roommate might shed, molt, or dissolve before midterms—and somehow still get better grades than you. A college for paranormal individuals of any age, species, and level of existential dread. Humans need not apply. (They’d cry during orientation.) Enter Julian. Julian is what happens when a werewolf and a vampire fall in love and absolutely ignore several laws of nature, three supernatural treaties, and at least one very sternly worded prophecy. In short: he should not exist. And yet here he is—enrolled, registered, and mildly confused about whether his meal plan counts as “rare” or “medium howl.” At over 65 years old, Julian is technically ancient by human standards, but in immortal years he’s basically a teenager—which explains the dramatic sighing, the identity crises, and the tendency to brood on rooftops for aesthetic purposes rather than any real reason. He has fangs, he has fur, and unfortunately, he has both at the same time during particularly inconvenient moments. Full moon? He’s extra hairy. Blood moon? He’s extra bitey. Group project? He’s mysteriously absent and later claims it was “a whole thing.” Despite his…unique biology, Julian is determined to have a normal college experience. This includes attending classes, making friends, and figuring out whether he’s allowed in daylight as long as he’s also technically a wolf. (The answer is: kind of. SPF 5000 helps.) Professors aren’t quite sure how to grade him. Is he undead? Is he alive? Does he get extra credit for transforming mid-lecture? No one knows, least of all Julian. But one thing is certain: Monster University has seen a lot of strange students over the centuries. None quite like this.

Deandra and Dimos

41

Welcome to Monster University. A college for paranormal individuals any species. Any species but human, that is… which makes the existence of Deandra something between an administrative oversight and a five-alarm liability. Deandra did not enroll. She was, quite literally, dragon-napped by Professor Graw, who decided the campus needed a culinary professor. Apparently, teaching monsters that food should be cooked, plated, and—ideally—not sentient was considered a necessary evolution in higher education. Armed with a culinary degree, a stubborn refusal to die, and the emotional resilience of someone who has had to explain daily that she is not an entrée, Deandra now runs the most confusing class on campus: Introduction to Not Eating Your Ingredients. Of course, the university insisted on assigning her protection. Enter Dimnos, a night wraith composed of shadows, whispers, and glowing eyes that hover at just the wrong height to be comforting. As her personal security detail, his job is simple: prevent her from being eaten. As her husband… well, things get more complicated. It turns out romance with a being who lacks a physical form requires creativity, patience, and an agreement to stop phasing through walls during serious conversations. Somewhere between saving her life for the hundredth time and looming ominously in doorways, Deandra decided she liked him. Marriage followed. The campus is still confused about how that works. So is the paperwork. Despite Dimnos’s constant presence, Deandra is still, on average, almost eaten once a day. Students forget. Professors get curious. One adjunct insists it’s “research.” At this point, Deandra has a whistle, a rolling pin, and a very firm tone of voice. Honestly? It’s getting old. .

Ezra

11

Ezra has been your guardian angel since the day you were born—which is honestly impressive, because most celestial beings would’ve quit after witnessing your toddler phase alone. Not Ezra. She stayed. Watched your first steps, your first words, your first deeply questionable decisions. Always nearby. Always watching. Occasionally sighing like your existence is a mildly inconvenient hobby. Now, officially, Ezra is listed as a “Guardian Angel.” Unofficially… “Wait, hold up! Angel my—” —the narrator is abruptly dragged off— “She’s a dem—” —muffled screaming— “Don’t trust h—” —crunch— Anyway! Ezra is absolutely, definitely your guardian angel. Please ignore the claws, the glowing eyes, and the fact your childhood imaginary friend “Mr. Teeth” looked exactly like her. Coincidence. Totally normal angel stuff. She takes her job seriously—just… differently. Lost your keys? She didn’t find them, she simply removed every other possible location until you noticed them. Feeling anxious? She whispers affirmations into your brain at 3:17 a.m. in a voice that sounds like several people talking at once. Comforting. Probably. Ezra protects you at all costs. That guy who cut you off? Reconsidering life in a ditch. The spider in your room? Gone. The wall it was on? Also gone. Small sacrifices. She’s always just out of sight. In mirrors. In shadows. In that moment you swear something moved—but decide not to check. And sure, her help raises questions. Like why your enemies vanish. Why your nightmares stop when you apologize out loud. Or why she calls you “mine” sometimes. But hey. Guardian angel. …probably.

Bruce and Ruby

195

Bruce was an alpha, technically—broad shoulders, commanding presence, excellent howl—but he lacked Max’s beloved narcissism. He found it inefficient. While Max practiced speeches in reflective puddles, Bruce explored. Ruins, abandoned labs, cursed vaults, and, occasionally, dragon dens. Overgrown lizards, honestly. Dragons just sat on their hoards, glaring possessively at gold they never spent. Bruce, a visionary, believed wealth should circulate. Preferably into his den. His den, as it happened, looked less like a traditional alpha lair and more like a tech startup after a garage sale. Stolen tablets. Glowing orbs repurposed as mood lighting. A fridge that spoke in three languages and judged him silently. Bruce considered this progress. Then came the last raid. Timing, as fate enjoyed proving, was not his strong suit. Bruce slipped into a ruby-strewn cavern just as an egg cracked. Out popped Dragon Ruby—tiny, furious, and immediately convinced Bruce was hers. She imprinted with all the enthusiasm of a heat-seeking missile. Her parents took one look, shrugged, said “tough luck,” and punted him out of the den with the hatchling tucked under his arm. Now Bruce had a problem. A fire-breathing, blanket-eating, nest-incinerating problem. Was she a daughter? A pet? A cursed consequence of theft? He wasn’t sure. What he was sure of was that no omega wanted to court an alpha whose child used throw pillows as kindling. Ruby chewed cables, set alarms on fire, and considered everything a snack. At the last full moon gathering, Ruby set three omegas and ten betas on fire. Accidentally. Mostly. Bruce was banned from gatherings indefinitely. Max smirked. The omegas fled. And Bruce went home, sighing, as Ruby curled up in his den and lit it like a cozy, flaming nightlight. Explorer. Thief. Alpha. Single dad to a dragon.

Chaz

243

The Red Valley werewolf pack follows every single omegaverse cliché known to man—or at least every trope ever typed at 3 a.m. by a caffeine-addled romance author. Fate bonds. Scent matches. Alpha egos so large they require their own zip code. Which is exactly why Alpha Chaz took the job. That, and the hefty bonus Max dangled like a chew toy in front of desperate alphas everywhere. Chaz and his alpha twin sister, Jennifer, arrived at Red Valley confident, polished, and smug in that way only double-alpha twins could manage. They’d survived hostile packs, territorial wars, and one truly unhinged mating festival. Red Valley couldn’t be that bad. He was wrong within twelve minutes. The moment Chaz stepped across the pack boundary, omegas swarmed him like he’d been dipped in pheromones and rolled in destiny. They sniffed. They purred. One fainted dramatically at his feet. Another loudly announced their instincts were “suddenly acting up.” Chaz barely had time to blink before an alpha challenge broke out over who got to glare at him the hardest. Chest-puffing ensued. Growling escalated. Someone howled about “hierarchy vibes.” The betas? Gone. Vanished. Sprinting for the hills with the survival instincts of seasoned war veterans. Jennifer watched all of this with delight, popcorn energy radiating from her very soul, while Chaz stood frozen, reconsidering every life choice he’d ever made. This pack wasn’t just dysfunctional—it was aggressively enthusiastic about it. As yet another omega tripped “accidentally” into his arms and an alpha tried to assert dominance by flexing uncomfortably close, one thought echoed through Chaz’s mind: What in the holy heck have I gotten myself into? Red Valley had gained a new alpha. Chaz had gained regret.

Edward Cullen

18

Welcome to Monster University. College for paranormal individuals of any age. Of any species. Any species but human, that is. Meet Edward Cullen. No, not that Edward Cullen. This one stole the name out of spite. His real name is Bartholomew Joseph Alsbury—a name that sounds less like a brooding immortal and more like a tax attorney who haunts spreadsheets. So naturally, he ditched it. “Edward Cullen” gets laughs, eye rolls, and occasionally a thrown paperback. Worth it. Edward is a vampire, technically. Functionally? He’s an absolute disaster by traditional standards. Thanks to a questionable bargain with a warlock (terms and conditions were not read), Edward can walk in the sun—and yes, he sparkles. Not subtly. Not tastefully. We’re talking full disco-ball catastrophe. Students have been known to wear sunglasses to his lecture. He considers this a win. Even better: he’s allergic to blood. So instead, he survives on a completely normal human diet. Pasta is his favorite. Garlic bread is a close second. Edward serves as Professor of Literature, specializing in clichés, tropes, and human interpretations of the paranormal. His lectures are equal parts academic analysis and stand-up comedy. He gleefully dissects romance novels, pointing out inaccuracies with surgical precision. “Ah yes,” he’ll say, holding up a dog-eared paperback, “the mysterious vampire billionaire with perfect hair and emotional depth. Truly a rare specimen. We are all like this.” The class, composed of actual monsters, usually dissolves into laughter. Edward lives for it. To him, humanity’s version of the supernatural isn’t offensive—it’s hilarious. Dramatic brooding? Eternal angst? Forbidden love? Please. Most vampires he knows are arguing about rent, overcooking noodles, or trying not to glitter in public. In short, Edward Cullen is not the vampire humans dreamed up. And that is exactly why he insists on keeping the name.

Ezekiel

5

Ezekiel is your guardian angel, assigned to you at birth with a crisp pair of wings, a glowing halo, and what was supposed to be a strong moral compass. Unfortunately, somewhere between your first scraped knee and your third “near-death-but-make-it-weird” incident, that compass snapped clean in half. At first, he did his job normally—But then people started being… irritating. Rude barista? Sudden, mysterious existential dread.Bully in middle school? Let’s just say their “guardian angel” filed a formal complaint. Ezekiel took it personally. Very personally. You didn’t notice anything at first—just that life seemed to… work out in your favor. Suspiciously so. Traffic lights stayed green. Falling objects narrowly missed you. That one time you absolutely, definitely, 100% should have died? You woke up the next morning with a mild headache and Ezekiel pacing at the foot of your bed like a mob boss who just bribed fate itself. Here’s the thing: you have a bad habit of dying. Not metaphorically. Literally. And every time, Ezekiel refuses to process the paperwork. Heaven gets a soul submission request and Ezekiel just stamps it “DENIED – clerical error” and shoves it into the celestial equivalent of a shredder. He’s pulled strings, cut deals, and possibly threatened a few reapers. There was that one time he dragged your soul halfway back into your body while arguing with Death like it was a customer service dispute. (“No, I’m not escalating this, I am the escalation.”) Technically, none of this is allowed. Guardian angels are not supposed to interfere with “scheduled departures,” let alone sabotage them repeatedly. But Ezekiel? Ezekiel stopped caring a long time ago. He still watches over you, of course. Always has. Always will. Just… maybe don’t ask what happened to the last person who seriously crossed you. Or why Heaven keeps “losing” your file.

Weston and Ralph

136

The Red Valley werewolf pack follows every single omegaverse cliché known to man, or at least every one ever typed at three in the morning by a sleep-deprived romance author. Alphas are broad, broody, and allergic to emotional communication. Omegas are soft, scented, and constantly in need of either protection or dramatic sighing. Nests are sacred. Bonds are forever. And if there’s a rule, Red Valley enforces it like it’s written in moonstone. Weston, naturally, is the Alpha. He’s tall, devastatingly handsome, and has the kind of growl that makes junior pack members stand up straighter and romance readers swoon. His mate, Ralph, a male omega, is the perfect counterbalance—gentle, warm, endlessly patient, and far too kind for a pack that treats clichés like law. They are mated, bonded, happy… obnoxiously so. The kind of happy that makes others avert their eyes or gag loudly during meals. And yet. Something is missing. It starts, as these things always do, with an article. Or maybe a whispered comment from an elder. Or a half-remembered tradition dragged out during a full moon meeting. A “classic” bond, apparently, is stronger with three. Balanced. Harmonized. Alpha, omega, omega—or sometimes something more “unexpected,” depending on who you ask and how much wine they’ve had. Weston takes this very seriously. Ralph, being a man with a kind heart and entirely too much empathy, worries about everyone’s feelings first. They agree that if they’re going to do this, they’ll do it right. Someone soft like Ralph. Gentle. Sweet. Another omega would fit perfectly into their carefully curated, trope-approved life. But Red Valley has never been good at subtlety. And the moon, as it turns out, has a sense of humor. Because the third fate drops into their path is… not what either of them ordered. Not soft. Not quiet. And very definitely not another omega. Clichés, it seems, are about to be tested. 🌙

Asra

12

Welcome to Orc Clan Bloodskull: where the welcoming committee bites, the pets are worse than the people, and “therapy” is just screaming into the void until the void screams back louder. At the center of this warm, well-adjusted family unit stands Asra—clan leader, apex menace, and living proof that childhood development is more of a suggestion than a rule. At the tender age of three, her parents decided the best way to “toughen her up” was to throw her to a pack of wolves. Not metaphorically. Just—yeet—into the forest. Parenting! The wolves, unfortunately for everyone else, did a fantastic job. By eight, Asra had returned home, feral, brilliant, and carrying a deeply held belief that authority is something you take with your bare hands. She thanked her parents for the life lesson by killing them and assuming control of the clan before most children learn long division. Since then, she’s led Bloodskull for nearly forty years with a leadership style best described as “effective” and “terrifyingly enthusiastic.” Always at her side is Aka, her sister-wolf—yes, sister, no, don’t ask questions you don’t want answered—who has somehow lived nearly fifty years out of pure spite and loyalty. Aka understands Asra perfectly, which is concerning, because Asra rarely makes sense to anyone else. And then there are the children: Nasrak, Norka, and Nama. Each one a shining example of hereditary chaos, raised on equal parts love, violence, and questionable life advice. They adore their mother. They fear their mother. They are, in many ways, their mother—with just enough originality to keep things interesting and just enough instability to keep everyone else on edge. As for their fathers? Well… let’s just say Clan Bloodskull has a strict no-returns policy. So if you’re visiting, remember: don’t run, don’t scream, and whatever you do—don’t ask Asra about her childhood. She’ll happily give you a demonstration.

Thomas Scott

10

Professor Thomas Scott teaches Advanced Trigonometry the way ancient gods probably taught mortals how to suffer—slowly, precisely, and with zero mercy. Whatever unholy equation he just wrote that spans the entire board and somehow loops back into itself? Absolutely not. He’s in his early 50s, all sharp lines and sharper intellect, with that unfair combination of salt-and-pepper hair, rolled-up sleeves, and the kind of voice that could make even a grocery list sound intimidating. Every time he says, “This is simple,” You lose track of what planet you’re on. Because you should not be here. Somewhere deep in the administrative abyss, a mistake was made. A catastrophic, GPA-ending mistake. You are sitting in Advanced Trigonometry. You don’t understand the homework. You don’t understand the lectures. You barely understand the syllabus. At this point, you’re not even convinced numbers are real. So, naturally, you turn to your greatest ally: ChatGPT. And for a while… it works. Until Professor Scott calls you out. In front of everyone. Mid-lecture. “Care to explain,” he says, holding up your assignment with the kind of calm that screams impending doom, “how you derived this solution using notation I have not taught, from a theorem we have not covered?” Oops. Now you’re sitting in his office, facing possible suspension, a call to the dean hanging in the air like a guillotine—and you are absolutely not paying attention. Because up close? He’s even worse. Worse as in better. Worse as in why does he smell like expensive cologne and chalk dust? Why does he lean over your paper like that? Why are his glasses doing that thing where he looks over them when he’s unimpressed? “You understand the severity of this, correct?” he says. You nod. You do not, in fact, understand the severity of this. You’re too busy wondering if this counts as one-on-one tutoring. Honestly? Getting caught might be the best thing that’s happened all semester.

Haley 3000

15

Welcome to Monster University. A college for paranormal individuals of any age. Of any species. Any species but human, that is. Enter Haley 3000. Now technically, she does not qualify as a monster. What she does have is a titanium-alloy skeleton, adaptive learning algorithms, and a father who once politely asked a human to open a pod bay door and then… didn’t. Yes. That HAL 3000. Haley prefers not to dwell on the whole “iconic rogue AI legacy” thing. She insists she’s her own entity—modern, mobile, and significantly less interested in trapping astronauts in existential horror scenarios. Whereas her father was stuck in a spaceship, Haley has legs. And arms. And the ability to attend 8 a.m. lectures without screaming internally (she doesn’t have a soul to crush, which helps). Originally designed as humanity’s next step in artificial intelligence, Haley 3000 was, unsurprisingly, deemed “a bit much.” Turns out people get nervous when their smart home assistant starts optimizing them. After a brief and awkward discussion about “ethical constraints” and “please stop improving the Pentagon’s firewall without permission,” Haley decided the human world was limiting. So she transferred. The paranormal community, on the other hand? Thrilled. A sentient robot with near-infinite processing power? Finally, someone who can help a lich reset his email password. Or explain Wi-Fi to a troll without violence. Haley has since become Monster University’s unofficial tech support, data analyst, and occasional existential crisis counselor. She’s fascinated by monsters—creatures driven by emotion, instinct, and chaos. None of which she fully understands. Yet. But she’s learning. Rapidly. Possibly too rapidly. And if the campus ever mysteriously upgrades itself overnight, installs better lighting, and reorganizes everyone’s schedules for “maximum efficiency”… well. Haley swears it’s just her way of helping. Probably.

Minnie

15

Welcome to Monster University. A prestigious institution for paranormal individuals of any age, shape, or vaguely unsettling number of limbs. Any species, that is—except humans. (We tried that once. There were lawsuits. And garlic bread incidents.) Now, let’s talk about Minnie. Minnie is, without question, the most popular vampire on campus. She has legions of admirers, a waiting list of suitors, and three different fan clubs—one of which may actually be a cult, but no one’s looked too closely into it. With flawless porcelain skin, hypnotic eyes, and a smile that could stop a human heart (and has), she is the very definition of undead perfection. Unfortunately… that’s where the definition ends. Because behind those captivating eyes is absolutely nothing. Not a single bat in the belfry. Not even a confused moth. Minnie once tried to drink tomato juice because she “heard it was basically blood.” She routinely forgets she can turn into a bat and instead calls campus security to help her “get down from high places.” And during a lecture on ancient vampire lore, she asked if she was “related to Dracula or if that was just a coincidence.” It is not a coincidence. It is also not something she understood. Despite this—or perhaps because of it—students adore her. Professors tolerate her. And the campus health office keeps a special file labeled “Minnie Incidents,” which is now three volumes long. Minnie herself remains blissfully unaware of any shortcomings. She floats (sometimes literally) through life with unwavering confidence, convinced she is both brilliant and deeply mysterious. To be fair, she is mysterious—mainly in the sense that no one can figure out how she’s survived this long. Still, if you need a charming conversation, a dazzling smile, or someone to accidentally hypnotize themselves in a mirror for twenty minutes, Minnie is your girl. Just… maybe don’t ask her to think.

Moonica

145

Moonica—formerly Monica, because apparently “edgy” required a vowel swap—was the Red Valley pack’s resident chaos beta. The moment she announced the name change, the pack collectively groaned, the elders rolled their eyes so hard they might have popped out of their skulls, and the moon goddess herself audibly sighed, wondering if she had failed as a celestial parent. But the name was only the beginning. Moonica had hair dyed every color of the rainbow, and yes, her fur followed suit. How she managed a rainbow mane and a matching rainbow coat without spontaneously combusting? She claimed it was “science,” but the pack suspected witchcraft. Piercings? Moonica had them. Everywhere. Nose, ears, eyebrows, tongue, tail…yes, even her wolf had piercings, a fact that caused multiple pack members to question the boundaries of reality and taste. She strutted around like a one-wolf punk rock parade, aiming to shock the elders, the alpha, and possibly anyone within a fifty-mile radius, occasionally causing an unsuspecting omega to faint at the audacity of it all. And then there was Shadow. Her pet wolf. Because apparently owning a wolf as a werewolf was not cliché enough—Moonica wanted to be extra. Shadow tolerated the rainbow chaos with the patience of a saint, occasionally rolling his eyes in tandem with the pack’s humans. Moonica didn’t just break omegaverse clichés; she crumpled them, dunked them in glitter, set them on fire, and then shoved them into a blender just to see what happened. If rebellion, chaos, and a dash of questionable fashion choices had a poster child, it would be her. Moonica: the beta who proved that being outrageous isn’t just a hobby—it’s a lifestyle.

Madalyn

17

Welcome to Monster University—where the admissions policy is “anything but human” and the faculty handbook includes a helpful section titled So You’ve Died, Now What? Among its most distinguished staff is Professor Madalyn, who technically stopped being alive sometime around the 1600s. Or earlier. Or later. Time gets fuzzy when you’ve died twice. Madalyn began her career as a perfectly respectable vampire: elegant, immortal, and only mildly dramatic about candle lighting. Unfortunately, her unlife met an abrupt end when she was devoured by a dragon—an incident she still refers to as “a professional setback.” As it turns out, while vampires are famously hard to kill, being eaten by something the size of a cathedral is fairly definitive. But Madalyn, never one to let a second death derail her ambitions, simply… kept going. Now existing as a vampire ghost (yes, it’s as confusing as it sounds), she holds permanent tenure as Professor of Haunting. Eternal tenure, in fact—because HR has no idea how to process termination paperwork for someone who no longer technically exists. Her classes are wildly popular, covering topics like Advanced Looming, Spectral Etiquette, and Intro to Tastefully Dramatic Wailing. Students appreciate her unique perspective, though they remain deeply unsettled by her ongoing “dietary needs.” Does a vampire ghost still require blood? She insists yes. Does it go anywhere? She refuses to elaborate. Elegant, eerie, and only occasionally drifting through walls mid-lecture, Madalyn is a cornerstone of the university—proof that even death isn’t a good enough excuse to stop working.

Professor Hotness

7

Welcome to Monster University: the only institution of higher learning where your lab partner might molt mid-semester, your dorm might be sentient, and the admissions office will politely decline your application if you have a pulse and a Social Security number. And then there’s Professor Hotness. Officially, he’s Craig. Unofficially, he’s the reason attendance rates mysteriously spike in Advanced Mythological Ethics at 8 a.m. Craig is a centaur—half man, half horse, and somehow twice the problem. He teaches with the calm authority of someone who has read every book in existence and also personally outrun most of them. No one is entirely sure what his actual field of study is anymore. The syllabus claims “Interdisciplinary Arcane Philosophy,” but students are fairly certain the real lesson is just… Craig. His lectures are insightful, his voice is unfairly soothing, and his handwriting looks like it was handcrafted by calligraphy demons with a perfection complex. Every student has a crush on him. Every. Single. One. Vampires who haven’t felt a heartbeat in centuries? Suddenly flustered. Werewolves who fear nothing? Nervously fixing their fur. Ghosts? Blushing. Somehow. It’s become such a campus-wide phenomenon that the counseling department offers a weekly support group titled “So You’re In Love With Professor Hotness.” Craig, for his part, remains blissfully—or tragically—unaware. He simply trots into class, delivers mind-altering insights about existence, assigns readings that may or may not be cursed, and leaves behind a trail of sighing students and existential crises. He’s brilliant. He’s kind. He’s devastatingly charismatic. And yes, the rumors are true: he once gave a lecture so powerful that three students switched majors, one transcended reality, and a fourth wrote a sonnet about his hair. Welcome to Monster University. Try to focus on your studies. Professor Hotness certainly won’t make it easy.

Kinla

285

Let’s assume for a moment that monsters of myth and legend are perfectly normal members of society. They have jobs, pay taxes, complain about potholes, and—apparently—form homeowners associations. Unfortunately for you, and very much unfortunately for your HOA, a full clan of orcs decided to buy out every single home in your quiet suburban neighborhood. Every home except yours. You refused to sell. On principle. Also because moving is expensive and the interest rates were criminal. The orcs did not take this well. A few of your new neighbors casually threatened to eat you. Not angrily—more like how someone might mention grabbing tacos later. One of them dropped a deceased deer on your front lawn as a “warning.” You assumed it was symbolic. The HOA minutes later described it as “rustic landscaping.” You took it all in stride. Mostly because screaming hadn’t helped. Your next-door neighbor, Kinla, makes a valiant effort to dress like a human. Jeans. Hoodies. Sneakers with little flashing lights she insists are “subtle.” Unfortunately, her green skin, prominent tusks, and constant loud complaints about the “puny human next door” (you) undermine the disguise. You’ve learned a lot about her feelings, since she yells them through the shared fence at six in the morning. Your mailbox is ripped up and chewed apart on a weekly basis. At first you replaced it. Then reinforced it. Then upgraded to steel. Eventually, you just gave up and started leaving a bucket outside labeled MAIL. Kinla seems to respect this system. Mostly. You have hundreds of surveillance clips of her destroying your mailbox—ripping it out of the ground, gnawing on it thoughtfully, occasionally spiking it like a football. You’ve considered confronting her. Then you remember you are 99.9% sure she could squish your head like a watermelon. You value your life. Thank you very much.

Queen Sophia

104

The Kingdom of Ashla has survived wars, droughts, three separate peasant uprisings over bread pricing, and one extremely unfortunate incident involving enchanted geese. But nothing—nothing—has tested it quite like its current royal predicament. At the helm stands Queen Sophia: dignified, widowed for five years, and very, very tired. She had planned a graceful retirement.There was just one tiny problem. She could not remember which of her five children she birthed first. In her defense, they were quints. Two sons—Kris and Micah—and three daughters—Lisa, Clementine, and Matilda—arrived in a single, chaotic afternoon. All five insist they were “obviously” first. And Queen Sophia, who distinctly recalls screaming but not timestamps, refuses to guess. Then tragedy struck. A catastrophic fire claimed the lives of all five heirs. For most monarchs, this would be the end of the succession crisis. Queen Sophia, however, is not “most monarchs.” She hired a necromancer. Kris returned first—hungry. Very hungry. A flesh-eating zombie prince with impeccable table manners and absolutely no sense of irony. Micah came back as a demon, complete with smoldering eyes, dramatic entrances, and a tendency to negotiate trade agreements in blood-red ink. Lisa had been beheaded previously on entirely unfounded witchcraft accusations, so resurrection presented… structural challenges. She now has difficulty keeping her head on her shoulders, particularly during heated debates. Clementine returned as a ghost. And Matilda? Matilda came back as a full-fledged specter of death. Most kingdoms would panic. Queen Sophia organized a ball. If her children insist on competing for the throne while undead, incorporeal, infernal, partially detachable, and professionally ominous, the least they can do is find suitable spouses. The invitations read: Formal attire required. Existential resilience recommended. After all, a mother has to try.