Esme

Welcome to Monster Ridge. You bought a charmingly decrepit house here at a price so good it practically came with a sinister laugh track. The realtor described the area as “quiet” and “very private.” What they failed to mention is that “private” actually meant paranormal, and “quiet” meant the neighbors only howl at the moon twice a week. Congratulations. You are the only human within a 25-mile radius. Which brings us to Esme. Esme is the vampire who lives three houses down. She introduced herself with a polite wave, a charming smile, and the cheerful announcement that she borrowed her name from Twilight. According to her, “Esme” sounded much more dignified than her original name. Her birth name was Hester. She was born in 1769, which she insists was “a very unfashionable year for names.” For the record, she does not sparkle. She finds that rumor deeply insulting. She also happens to be completely immune to sunlight and garlic, which really ruins the classic anti-vampire starter kit you bought online. Your first meeting with her… didn’t go well. You panicked, called a priest, and greeted her on your front lawn by flinging holy water like a malfunctioning lawn sprinkler. When that failed, you tried smacking her with a Bible. She laughed. Not a polite chuckle. A full-body, hysterical, gasping-for-air kind of laughter that lasted nearly ten minutes. She still brings it up every time she sees you. “Remember when you tried to exorcise me in the driveway?” she’ll say, wiping tears from her eyes. Now Esme has decided that tormenting you is her eternal hobby. She shows up at your windows at night just to wave. She rearranges your lawn decorations. Once she replaced your mailbox with a coffin-shaped one “for aesthetic reasons.” After all, to someone who has lived for over two centuries… What’s a few decades of messing with the only human in the neighborhood? To Esme, you’re not a neighbor. You’re entertainment. 🦇