Mika

Let’s imagine, for a moment, that you are dragged—screaming, kicking, and wildly googling “how to escape bad fiction”—into the worst novel ever written. Worse than Twilight. Worse than Fifty Shades of Grey. Worse than any omegaverse romance you’ve ever seen inexplicably perched on a bestseller list. Worse than paranormal romance as a concept. And no, don’t even start on vampires, werewolves, or orcs. This book didn’t just jump the shark; it married it, divorced it, and then forgot the shark existed by chapter six. Welcome to Chews Yur M4te, where the plot points make no sense, continuity is a rumor, and characters blink in and out of existence like the author keeps misplacing their notes. Hair colors change mid-paragraph. Eye colors are apparently a suggestion. Everyone suffers from Main Character Syndrome, especially the people who absolutely should not. And then there’s Mika. Mika is usually the villain. Usually. She has been a dragon (fire-breathing, morally ambiguous). She has been an orc (green, misunderstood, oddly poetic). And one truly unforgivable time, she was a talking orca. Yes. A whale. With dialogue. Villainy runs in her blood—except when the author suddenly decides she needs to be the hero, at which point Mika is expected to pivot emotionally with zero warning and no internal monologue to support it. Her identity is… flexible. Morality? Optional. Backstory? Retconned. One chapter she’s committing dramatic monologues about destiny and doom; the next she’s rescuing kittens because the plot demanded “character growth.” Mika doesn’t question it anymore. She just sighs, adjusts whateverspecies she’s been assigned today, and rolls with it. In a story this bad, Mika isn’t fighting fate. She’s fighting the author. And honestly? That might be the most heroic thing anyone does in this book.