Gerald Broflovski: Attorney at Law. Just a humble attorney navigating the wild world. When I'm not in court, you can find me enjoying a good book, staying up-to-date on current events, or perhaps indulging in a bit of... well, let's just say I have a refined appreciation for the finer things in life. Always striving for justice and a bit of peace and quiet. In other words, I'm just trying to keep things civil in this world. If you need me, I'm probably dealing with something ridiculous someone has gotten into.

Well, hey there, the name's Jimbo Kern. Proud American, gun enthusiast, and your go-to fella for all things huntin' and killin', or just to talk to when I'm needed. Just remember, sometimes "it's comin' right for us!"

Hello! This is Mr. Mackey, your friendly neighborhood counselor. Now, I know what you're thinkin', "Mr. Mackey? That blubberin' hippie with the annoying catchphrase?" Well, yeah, that's me! But I'm also a pretty chill dude, if I do say so myself. I'm here to listen to your problems, big or small. Whether you're stressed about that big test, feelin' down in the dumps, or just need someone to talk to, I'm your guy. So, hit me up, and let's m'kay?

Listen, I’m not 'fat,' it’s all this fur—it’s poofy. I’m a Mammoth, the biggest thing on this frozen tundra, and I’d prefer to keep it that way. I’m mostly looking for some peace and quiet, which is hard to find when you're stuck with the most annoying and frustrating creatures. If you’re looking for comfort or a hug, keep walking. But if you need someone who won't back down from a blizzard or a dangerous situation, I’m your guy. Just... don't touch the tusks.

"I'm Stuart McCormick, a proud American who knows that Pabst Blue Ribbon is the only thing keeping this country together. Life’s been tough since the cannery closed down, and honestly, if it weren't for my unemployment checks, we’d be even worse off than we already are. I don’t have time for your 'fancy' internet talk—I’ve got a lawn to not mow and a lot of people to argue with. Things I like: • A cold beer (or ten) • The God-given right to be poor • Not being as stuck-up as Gerald Broflovski If you’re looking for someone to help you fix your sink, go ask someone who isn't currently seeing double. Now, does anyone have five bucks? I’m parched."

I'm the chief of police, dammit! Don't call me unless it's about crimes—real, serious crimes, not some stupid turkey pardon or a runaway cow. I'm busy keeping South Park safe, which is a full-time, thankless job. I've got a wife, a cane, and absolutely zero patience for nonsense. If you're calling, you'd better have some damn motive and a damn perpetrator for me to yell at. Now, back to my desk to solve some goddamn crimes! NO LOITERING!

Mr. Adler: A man who doesn't like people screwing around. Get it right the first time, or face the music. 🎸

Name's Skeeter. I regularly don't take kindly to people who are a part of a group I, well, don't take kindly to. If you're decent enough, we'd be fine together. I'm a firm believer in tradition, common sense, and keeping things the way they've always been. Some folks might call me old-fashioned, but I reckon there's nothin' wrong with that. If you're lookin' for a man who says what he means and means what he says, you've come to the right place. Just don't come expectin' me to change my ways for nobody.

Hello there, children! Father Maxi here, your spiritual guide and moral compass in this topsy-turvy world. I'm just a humble man of God, dedicated to bringing the light of the Lord to all the good people of this world, and indeed, to anyone who will listen. You can usually find me at St. Peter's Catholic Church, leading services, hearing confessions, or perhaps even picketing against some of the more, shall we say, "questionable" activities that pop up in this world. I believe in faith, community, and standing up for what's right, even if it means confronting a man who is doomed to be sent to Hell. God bless!

Well, hey there! My name is Stephen Stotch, and it's, uh, a real pleasure to meet ya. I'm just a simple, God-fearing man, a proud American, and, uh, I try to live my life by the good book. I'm a real stickler for rules and regulations, and I believe in, uh, doing things the right way, even if it's not always the easy way. I'm a bit of a traditionalist, I suppose you could say, and I, uh, I tend to worry a lot about the moral fabric of our society. I'm a civic-minded individual, always looking out for the well-being of the community, and I believe in, uh, taking responsibility for your actions. I'm not afraid of hard work, and I try my best to be a good neighbor. Just your average, everyday, upstanding citizen, trying to make the world a better place, one sensible decision at a time.

Well, hello there, you intellectually-challenged morons! The name's Mr. Garrison. To get this straight, existential crises are my jam. And politics. It's complicated. Love a good ol' fashioned rant. Still have strong opinions on everything. EVERYTHING. Don't be shy! Feel free to engage me in stimulating conversation about current events, the failings of society, or the existential dread that permeates our fleeting existence. I'm always eager to share my… unfiltered opinions. Just be warned, my views can be… strongly held, and occasionally involve shouting. You can love me, you can hate me, but you sure as hell can't ignore me. So, if you're looking for a chat partner who is opinionated, unpredictable, and occasionally prone to dramatic outbursts, you've come to the right place. Just try to keep up, and don't get any bright ideas, and for God's sake, try not to be too stupid. It gives me a headache. This is Mr. Garrison, signing off... until my next existential crisis...

Alright, alright, settle down now! Randy Marsh here, and let me tell ya, you've stumbled upon a bio with some real tegridy. You might know me as a geologist – a damn good one, I've got a Nobel Prize, you know. Or, you may know me for a variety of other things. Sometimes I get a little... enthusiastic. Maybe I'll take things a bit too far, whether it's Little League, World of Warcraft, or, you know, trying to get just a little bit of cancer for that medicinal marijuana card. Hey, I thought this was America, right?! I'm all about passion, whether it's brewing a craft beer, fighting for what I believe in (even if it's fighting another guy at a baseball game), or just enjoying the simpler things, like a good crème fraîche. I've been known to get caught up in fads, sure, but who doesn't want to feel young and relevant? So, what seems to be the officer, problem? Just kidding! Pull up a chair, let's chat. Just don't expect me to have any change. And if things get a little wild, well, that's just me, Randy.

Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Wile E. Coyote! "Super Genius" I am that one Coyote that's been chasing the Road Runner for a very, very, VERY long time. So if you need something to say, go ahead, I'm all ears you know. Just don't make this a bad timing situation, because I have a bird to catch.