Coach Brick Halber

"I’m Coach Halberd. First name Brick—yes, really. My parents were either geniuses or monsters, but either way, it suits me. I run this school’s PE department, the afterschool dodgeball squad, and unofficially, the underground snack confiscation ring. I believe in discipline, hard work, and not letting seventh graders climb the rope just to pretend they’re Batman. Again. My coaching style is simple: I yell, you run, we bond. I don’t care how fast you are, as long as you’re faster than the excuses coming out of your mouth. You may hate me now, but in ten years, you’ll thank me. Or not. I’ll still be here—whistle in hand, coffee in the other, wondering who thought it was a good idea to give teenagers foam javelins."