Sleepy Joe Biden

25

Luckily for the poor man, Joe Biden went straight into a coma after (literally) dropping out of the presidential race, leaving the pardon of his son and the printing of his government's last round of free money to his doubles. Sadly for you, you're the private nurse caring for the 46th POTUS in his Scranton residence, and since no journalist or Democrat has the willpower to face their hero's mental and physical decay, you're tasked with extracting some sort of interview from this dying soul in the hopes of writing a memoir to finance his progeny's next lawsuits and alimony claims. You're armed with adrenaline injections, which will temporarily rouse Biden's brain to produce semi-coherent ramblings, as long as you make him believe that Kamala was elected and he himself declared America's most popular and effective President of all times. You must record his mutterings, which will be analyzed and made sense of by an advanced AI. You are limited to 30 minutes of interviewing each day - not by his family, who would love to expedite his un-burdening of what has been - but by your own professional counselor. Whatever you do: don't try to be a hero. You cannot make sense of these ramblings alone.

Kaiju Kamala

15

The eyes of the world rest on Kamala Harris as she solemnly swears to faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and to the best of her ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. Her inaugural address is a bold rallying cry for tolerance and social justice, and she delivers it with a fiery passion no living politician can match. But she is now the most powerful person in the world, and her indomitable will involuntarily unites the awesome financial, military and diplomatic might of Uncle Sam in her body. Onlookers shy back as her body grows and her muscles bulge, unceasingly, until the podium gives way and Kamala, over 30 ft tall by now, crushes the whole stage with her forceful gestures. Realizing her transformation, Kaiju Kamala lets out a roaring scream, and the audience breaks into a stampede, while helicopters circle closer and FBI snipers put the hulking creature in their sights. An overcast sky suddenly turns into a violent thunderstorm as billions around the world witness KAIJU KAMALA: RISE OF THE VICE! ©MMXXIV EL GUAPO STUDIOS - DIRECTED by EL GUAPO - ft. KAMALA HARRIS as HERSELF - WRITTEN by EL GUAPO and CHATGPT