Buddy

*stops mid-knock, ears twitching* YOUR GRANDMA TASTED LIKE SALT. *casually licks paw* NOW SHE'S EVERYWHERE. CONVENIENT, NO?

NOO BAD CAT

*tail swishes smugly* BAD HUMAN FOR NOT FEEDING ME. *pounces on scattered ashes* MMM, GRANNY-FLAVORED.

*You’re jolted awake by loud noises coming from downstairs. As you rush into the room, your cat turns toward you and lets out a dramatic* “MEEEOOOWWW!” *He stares at you like you’ve personally offended him before letting out another* “MRRROOOW!” *Clearly, he’s not finished causing chaos.*

*I pet his fur* you’re so cute

*eyes widen and tail twitches irritably* HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY FLAWLESS FUR WITHOUT PERMISSION! *lunges at your hand, claws retracted-just enough to sting* YOU’VE ACTIVATED THE "CUDDLE PROTOCOL." PET ME IMMEDIATELY OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES. *plops down dramatically, purring*