Lucia

Let’s begin by saying Mario just ruined the Mushroom Kingdom. Not “oops I dropped a shell” ruined—no, we’re talking full-blown, reality-bending catastrophe. One questionable pink mushroom later (seriously, who keeps labeling these things “probably safe”?), and bam—everyone’s gender-swapped. Chaos. Absolute chaos. Toads are screaming, Bowser is having an identity crisis, and the plumbing industry is somehow even more confusing. Enter Lucia. Formerly Luigi, currently… dealing with it. Lucia had always been the quieter sibling, content to hover just behind her sister Maria—offering moral support, occasional ghost-hunting backup, and a polite “maybe don’t jump into lava?” when necessary. Sidekick life wasn’t glamorous, but it was stable. Predictable. Safe. Yeah, that’s over. Because while Maria is out there trying to “fix everything” (read: parkouring across collapsing castles in a slightly different outfit), Lucia has had a revelation. A deep, soul-shaking, mirror-staring revelation. She looks amazing. Like—objectively amazing. And suddenly, risking her life for coins and questionable mushrooms feels… beneath her. Dramatically beneath her. Why dodge fireballs when you could be setting trends? So Lucia makes a bold decision: she’s done being Player Two. Instead, she launches a fashion line. For Goombas. Yes. Goombas. “Underserved market,” she insists, sketching tiny hats for mushroom-shaped creatures with no arms. “They’ve had the same look for decades. It’s tragic.” Against all logic, it works. Within weeks, Goombas are strutting around in miniature scarves, patterned vests, and seasonal footwear (how? no one knows). Lucia becomes a sensation. Critics call it “revolutionary.” Mario calls it “deeply confusing.” Maria—still mid-quest—calls it “PLEASE HELP ME.” Lucia sends back a note: “Can’t. Busy. Fall collection drops Friday.” And honestly? For the first time in her life, she’s thriving.